Of opening cans of worms and marriage equality

I’m going to open up a can of worms – I know it. I don’t know how else to begin this post other by saying some of you will be offended, some of you will think I’m wrong and some of you will think I’m disgusting for holding this opinion. And that’s fine. You are entitled to your opinion as much as I’m entitled to mine.

Today’s blog post is about an overwhelming topic in the media because of the United States’ court proceedings – gay marriage/marriage equality.

So as most of you know Prop 8 was brought before the court yesterday in a case that moves to legalize gay marriage (henceforth referred to as marriage, gettin’ hitched, tyin the knot or shackling oneself to the old ball and chain) which will be announced towards the end of June. Now this movement in government is having a profound effect in not only the US but in Canada as well. So many people that I know (and thankfully so) are large supporters of marriage, regardless of religion – I also know people who don’t agree with it personally but have the common decency to not allow their opinions to rule someone else’s life.

I think the entirety of having ONE religion dictate who and who cannot be married to be incredibly flawed. I realize that at the time that these laws were created we were living in a largely different era. This law made sense when women were considered subordinate to men and skin colour dictated your worth. So it is beyond me that in this day and age when women have assumed equal status to men (for the most part – but that’s a whole different can of worms) and race does not mean you’re worthless that sexuality dictates right to marriage.

I think my biggest issue with this entire argument is that we’re setting ourselves up to never have peace by being for and against. If you think about it, the issue of marriage, outside of religion, is just personal politics. We’re not arguing that all marriages be had in a religious church – just that they be recognized as a legal union by the government. I wonder then, if there is no religious component other than the personal beliefs of the individuals against it, why is it a religious issue? This way of getting married is the same way that those who are not married in a religious ceremony get hitched, so does that mean that their union is not legally binding as well? Why stop discriminating there? What about the transgendered, those with no gender? What about those who are not married under “God” in the traditional sense?

It bothers me so incredibly much that someone’s personal religion – a choice they made (you can chose to be a Catholic, Christian, Buddhist) trumps someone’s choice of who they marry even outside of the religious ceremony.  This assumes that every single human being falls under the same religious belief as you and that’s just not true. Religious diversity is huge and while it’s an intensely personal commitment with a higher power it has given way to the right to be intolerant to others. I cannot contest your relationship with your higher power because that is discrimination, however you can impose your relationship with a higher power on me and that is protecting the sanctity of marriage for everyone?  How can someone not see the incredible flaw in that logic?

This way of thinking always excludes someone and always leaves people in the wrong. Everyone has the right to choose how they live and as much as I may not agree with the way someone lives their life I respect they have the right to make their own choices. I don’t think people realize that respecting someone’s right to make a commitment to someone for their lives does not have to go against your religious beliefs. You can still believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman based on your religion AND respect someone’s ability to have the same LEGAL rights in a union.  

Why? How? Whaaaaaat?

They are not getting married under the same conditions as you. Simple as that.

It’s time that people stop being personally offended when something “threatens their religion”. Your religion is your personal commitment with your higher power – not everyone else’s.   Don’t deny someone’s legal rights outside of religion in an attempt protect what you deem is good. 

Of rape, victim blaming and "they did something to deserve it"

TRIGGER WARNING: This article mentions sexual assault, rape, slut-shaming and victim blaming culture for both men and women.

 

It’s hard to avoid hearing about this topic in the media currently – and it’s certainly a story that I’ve been following for the past little while. It’s the internationally headlining Steubenville rape case. For those of you who have not heard anything about this case – two young men were charged and convicted of raping a minor when they posted a video and live-tweeted the repeated rape and sexual assault of a young girl who was passed out drunk.

Now, what’s making the majority of the headlines right now is the way that both the media and the community are handling this case. I should probably forewarn readers that from this point on this story will be heavily laden with bias and personal opinion.

The community (for the most part) have chosen to rally around the attackers throughout this trial. Steubenville is well known for being a football-centric town with much pride for its all-star team, so when two of its star players are convicted of rape – it’s not unexpected for a town to look to blame the victim. Now – what really stood out about this rape case was that while all these boys (and girls) were incredibly drunk the main defense was “she didn’t say no.” This girl wasn’t just raped – she was filmed, penetrated while completely unconscious and urinated on while being drunk. There were points in the film where these boys were laughing that you “could tell she was really dead when she doesn’t even move” while they penetrated her. As someone who worked with incredible intoxicated (sometimes minors) students – I watched the entire video with this sense of absolute horror. This was a girl who should have gotten medical attention as she was not able to stay conscious, she was no way near in a state of mind to provide consent for sex. I've seen some of my students to this point and the thought of anyone treating someone the way these men treated her just leaves a massive pit in my stomach.

I’ll focus on the attackers first – and then swing around to the victim side of this (bear with me). These boys have been the focus of much media empathy, with CNN choosing to report on how sad it was that their promising lives were over. CNN published videos of tearful apologies to the family in the courtroom for what happened and one of the boys collapsing and saying his life was over. I do believe that while these men have the right to be treated like human beings, the focus on them being just as much a victim of this incident and this being a one-time "youthful" mistake is downright disgusting. They didn’t joyride through town in a stolen vehicle – they raped an unconscious minor. Bottom line. This wasn’t a petty felony or a stupid mistake – they physically assaulted a young girl and only got caught because they were stupid enough to post it on social media and record the entire thing. There is definitely being young and stupid but there is a difference between getting drunk and urinating in public and then urinating on a drunk girl after you raped her and laughing about it.

There’s this amazing article titled Toxic Masculinity that directly relates to this event. It basically states that a major issue with female rape by a male is this theory of toxic masculinity. Men are told that, to be real men, they need to be abject of all weakness at all times. I think the greatest quote of this article comes from former NFL quarterback Don McPherson, “We don’t raise boys to be men. We raise them not to be women, or gay men.”

That quote rings true throughout this case – two football stars have raped a girl and yet somehow they’ve still managed to maintain their status as top football players and men. Their attorney, although paid to defend them, made the case that the woman didn’t say no therefore they are innocent. Worst of all, in the eyes of some people, she deserved what they did because she put herself in that position to be dominated by men. My question in response to that is: then why aren’t we teaching men that it’s wrong to dominate a woman? That's because to be a man means to be powerful and dominating, without weakness. These "men" wouldn't allow themselves to be like this victim because they are men, they are not weak. In addition to that, weak individuals deserve to be humilated and have their weakness exploited by "strong, dominating" men because they are weak.

Swinging to the victim side of this I’ve been shocked and appalled and yet not surprised, to hear the comments that have come out of the woodwork. Many people stating that this girl did it to herself and therefore she deserved what happened because she was stupid enough to get drunk. What I would like to know is why these attackers (who were stupid enough to get drunk and rape a girl) seem above this same argument? The other argument (and the most popular) is that this girl had a reputation for sleeping with men therefore it was implied by her previous behavior that she would have said yes anyway.

That – to me – is the sickest part of this. Apparently the sexual choices someone makes in their past dictates the autonomy that they are granted over their bodies in the future. This woman had a reputation for having sex; therefore she deserved what happened to her. This woman was sexually active with men therefore she is to be accessible to any man who wants to have sex with her when they want - despite her mental status.

This victim blaming culture is disgusting – why does the choices that this girl made about who she wanted to sleep with have any bearing on how she is to be treated? What’s being made apparent throughout this case (despite the guilty conviction) is that star-football playing rapists have more of a right to be treated humanely, treated with respect and have ownership over their bodies than a sexually active woman and that is sick.

We wonder why victims, both male and female, of rape don’t come forward. For male victims they’re taught through this toxic masculinity theory that they did something wrong, they were too less of a man to stop it and thus don’t deserve help. For female victims it becomes a Blue’s Clue’s version of “let’s see if we can find out why she deserved it”. Sexual abuse leaves lasting scars on the victim and our culture of both rape and slut-shaming leaves attackers and rapists open to continue to exist without ever having repercussions. Even when convicted – these men and women are coddled and often times doted on by their community while taking a magnifying glass to the victim to find why they were in the wrong.

Throughout this entire research I was left with one major question: if this hadn’t been posted on social media, would this girl have come forward? Honestly, from the overwhelming support for these rapists and attacks against this victim I don’t think she would have.

 

Resources:

Project Unbreakable

Womenshealth.gov

Anti-Violence Project

 

Of unpaid internships and making it in this world

They are deemed as the necessary evil for the majority of post-secondary students or recent post-grads. They are where you’re supposed to be given opportunity to work in your industry and gain experience (as well as network) all whilst balancing mountains of student debt and the sad realization that this internship is costing you money.

I came across this article in the Toronto star that really highlights the flaws in unpaid internships, so I’m not going to regurgitate that information back to you – you can just read the article. Highlighting the most important bits, David Doorey – a professor at York University explains how employers are really using the word “intern” to avoid basic employment laws. Summing up his argument – you can have unpaid interns and that’s fine, however they can’t be doing work that you would otherwise pay an employee to do or create positive gain for your company.

I mean from a business standpoint it makes sense to have interns replace entry-level workers. Instead of paying out a boatload of money to someone who is just starting, you can take on that person as an intern and get them to do the same work – for free.

However being a starving student I see the other end of that. I’m  one of the lucky few out there to secure a paid internship/employment  but it was so difficult applying to places knowing if I did get accepted there would be no way to afford working for this place. I adored my internship and still really enjoy the work that I do – but there were definitely opportunities that were completely off the table because I couldn’t afford them. Life, especially in Toronto, costs money – money that I don’t happen to have large quantities of. I’m wrestling between that stage of adult independence that is running my own life and the need to call my dad to find out what in sam hell a T4 slip actually means.

I think there’s something to be said about the culture of interns as well. It’s socially acceptable to be treated like gum on someone’s shoe because that’s what interns are. Movies show interns and internships as being back-breaking work where you spend the majority of your time running to get coffee and cleaning only to never be told you’re doing a good job. There’s this glorification of being treated poorly at your internship like it’s a rite of passage into being a successful working adult. Why? I feel like for the most part that just ends up making people feel jaded about a career path they’ve decided will be their focus until they’re almost 70. No wonder so many young people are hopping careers like the Easter bunny! The first job experience in a field you get is your impression of how that field works. If everyone spits on everyone else why in the world would you want to do that for the next 60 odd years?

I’m not saying that internships are useless – far from it. Internships are really important, and yes sometimes you won’t enjoy them – but you shouldn’t have to hate them. Internships shouldn’t leave you under a mountain of student debt or working 18 hour days to afford your apartment, life and student expenses. Without a doubt, the culture of gogogogogo without a moment to just breathe or some kind of income from it just leads to high levels of burnout from people who are supposed to be the bright-eyed bushy-tailed newcomers to the field.

I don’t know the age demographic for sure for those reading this – but for anyone in the position to be able to hire interns – please realize that interns aren’t just anonymous cyborgs that do exactly what they are told – they’re actual people. The impression that you give them sets up their impression for the way that your entire sector is supposed to work. Role model good morals, good work habits and above all respect!

Of giving yourself permission to suck

I feel like I've been really neglecting social media, specifically my blog. It's mostly because I've been swamped and just haven't had that "aha!" moment that triggers a post. Today I was surfing through Youtube and watched a video that a friend of mine liked. This video really brought up a valid point through this person's personal experience.

You need to give yourself permission to suck.

All content of this video belongs to the lovely human being speaking in it! Please check out the channel and subscribe!

It’s hard to give yourself permission to suck, harder than you would expect really. I mean every single message, advertisement and best pieces of advice always push you “to be your best”. We’re always told that it’s okay to make mistakes but just sucking at something is never really a mistake – it’s an inadequacy. We’re told and taught that it’s bad to be inadequate in life and that somehow it’s equivalent of rolling over on your back and giving up on the world. You know what? Sometimes it’s okay to roll over and give up on the world. Sometimes it’s okay to suck.  All sexual innuendos aside, sucking is a part of life.

It’s hard to face the fact that you can’t be good at everything; no matter what you do there will be something that you can’t be good at. Whether you can’t draw to save your life or couldn’t boil water properly if you tried, you can’t be good at everything. As a bit of a perfectionist and incredibly competitive person this is something I’ve struggled with a lot. I want to be good at everything. I wish I was good at everything. I will force myself into sanity death spirals trying to be good at everything. I loathe giving myself permission to suck.

I think that refusing to give yourself permission to suck only does you a disservice for one big reason. If you’re good at everything or always good at everything, the small accomplishments and the tiny things you perfect beginlose their meaning. I compare it to if someone gets a present every single day – for no reason other than getting a present. By the time their birthday or a special occasion to celebrate comes around getting a gift loses the ability to be special because getting a gift is just a normal part of life. Sometimes (most of the time actually) we thrive on that "HAHA!" feeling that you just handed life a big ol' can of whoop-ass and accomplished something.

The fact is that sometimes it takes time to be good or even decent at something. My parents will tell you that when I started hunting and shooting I sucked at shooting a gun. People who know me would laugh this off, but I kid you not. Not only could I not hit the broad side of a barn but the first three times I shot a gun I cried. After a lot of practice (or as my dad would say – a lot of wasted in money plugging away at dirt piles that didn’t deserve it), I’m a really decent shot. It wasn’t until I gave myself permission to suck at shooting that I could actually start to improve at it. I didn’t make illusions that I was going to make a guest appearance in the remake of Shooter alongside Mark Whalberg, I sucked!

I think one of the biggest biggest lessons that I’ve learned (and still am) is to not take yourself too seriously. This isn’t saying to never be serious, but there is a middle ground. Life is too short to not laugh at the things you suck at and have fun while you’re trying to improve them. Don’t make learning to do something a chore or you’ll never enjoy it and remember that you never have to be good at everything.