Of opening cans of worms and marriage equality

I’m going to open up a can of worms – I know it. I don’t know how else to begin this post other by saying some of you will be offended, some of you will think I’m wrong and some of you will think I’m disgusting for holding this opinion. And that’s fine. You are entitled to your opinion as much as I’m entitled to mine.

Today’s blog post is about an overwhelming topic in the media because of the United States’ court proceedings – gay marriage/marriage equality.

So as most of you know Prop 8 was brought before the court yesterday in a case that moves to legalize gay marriage (henceforth referred to as marriage, gettin’ hitched, tyin the knot or shackling oneself to the old ball and chain) which will be announced towards the end of June. Now this movement in government is having a profound effect in not only the US but in Canada as well. So many people that I know (and thankfully so) are large supporters of marriage, regardless of religion – I also know people who don’t agree with it personally but have the common decency to not allow their opinions to rule someone else’s life.

I think the entirety of having ONE religion dictate who and who cannot be married to be incredibly flawed. I realize that at the time that these laws were created we were living in a largely different era. This law made sense when women were considered subordinate to men and skin colour dictated your worth. So it is beyond me that in this day and age when women have assumed equal status to men (for the most part – but that’s a whole different can of worms) and race does not mean you’re worthless that sexuality dictates right to marriage.

I think my biggest issue with this entire argument is that we’re setting ourselves up to never have peace by being for and against. If you think about it, the issue of marriage, outside of religion, is just personal politics. We’re not arguing that all marriages be had in a religious church – just that they be recognized as a legal union by the government. I wonder then, if there is no religious component other than the personal beliefs of the individuals against it, why is it a religious issue? This way of getting married is the same way that those who are not married in a religious ceremony get hitched, so does that mean that their union is not legally binding as well? Why stop discriminating there? What about the transgendered, those with no gender? What about those who are not married under “God” in the traditional sense?

It bothers me so incredibly much that someone’s personal religion – a choice they made (you can chose to be a Catholic, Christian, Buddhist) trumps someone’s choice of who they marry even outside of the religious ceremony.  This assumes that every single human being falls under the same religious belief as you and that’s just not true. Religious diversity is huge and while it’s an intensely personal commitment with a higher power it has given way to the right to be intolerant to others. I cannot contest your relationship with your higher power because that is discrimination, however you can impose your relationship with a higher power on me and that is protecting the sanctity of marriage for everyone?  How can someone not see the incredible flaw in that logic?

This way of thinking always excludes someone and always leaves people in the wrong. Everyone has the right to choose how they live and as much as I may not agree with the way someone lives their life I respect they have the right to make their own choices. I don’t think people realize that respecting someone’s right to make a commitment to someone for their lives does not have to go against your religious beliefs. You can still believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman based on your religion AND respect someone’s ability to have the same LEGAL rights in a union.  

Why? How? Whaaaaaat?

They are not getting married under the same conditions as you. Simple as that.

It’s time that people stop being personally offended when something “threatens their religion”. Your religion is your personal commitment with your higher power – not everyone else’s.   Don’t deny someone’s legal rights outside of religion in an attempt protect what you deem is good. 

Gender/Sexuality Stereotyping and Halloween Costumes

I think I found the most disturbing video I've seen on the internet and no, nothing but acceptance and common sense dies in it. 

This video is part of ABC's 'What Would You Do?', a series of undercover videos that put the unsuspecting public in situations that involve a range of issues from abuse and bullying to discrimination. I've watched a ton of these videos, as most of them are on Youtube, but this one I believe is the worst of all of them.

I'm assuming that you went ahead and watched this before you kept reading, if not go do that and I'll wait here for you....
Alright, so in this video a child actor (one male, one female) are out choosing Halloween costumes with an actress playing their mother. In it, the young boy wants to dress up like a princess for Halloween and the young girl wants to be Spiderman. The actress playing the mother is against it from the very beginning and it escalates when the child puts on the costume, with the actress saying she wants to "nip this in the bud" before it continues to see what peoples reactions are. 

I'll tackle the way the young girl was treated and reacted to first. One woman and her friend stood up and approved of the young girl wearing the Spiderman costume, reasoning that it was indicative of a strong girl, and that the world needed more female Spiderwomen. This girl was told by complete strangers that she needed to be a princess and girls are prettier as princess' because that's what they're supposed to be. "If she's Spiderman she only gets to be that for one day, if she's a princess she gets to be one 24/7," like real girls are supposed to be. There is so much wrong here with the way these strangers inserted themselves into this young girl's personal identity. The woman who stood up for this girl brought up the fact that, without actually saying it outright, she felt this mother was trying to avoid her child "turning" into a lesbian because of her choice in male-oriented costumes. 

The young boy's reactions just honestly broke my heart. Every single woman that reacted did so in a, while polite, negative way. Focusing on firefighter, policeman or superhero and typically male-centered costumes. They empathized with the mother, one woman even saying her own son did they same thing but she stopped it early and that it was just a phase. They even went so far as to allow their younger sons to say, "Ew, that's for girls," and laughed about it. I was completely blown away at the sheer reinforcement of gender stereotypes when it comes to Halloween costumes. You are allowed to dress up and encouraged to be creative as long as it fits into the strict female/male boxes you fit in as a child. There are exceptions to these, like having 2 feet of snow on Halloween as a kid and having to have a costume that fit your entire snowsuit underneath...I was a pumpkin a lot...

To get back on point - we wonder why we're seeing so much gender stereotyping in the world when we're actively promoting it through a holiday that's supposed to be fun! Instilling this thinking of: you are a girl, therefore you are a princess and you are a boy, therefore you can only be masculine is completely deprecating to our society. Another massive elephant in the room during all of these interactions, that existed almost exclusively for the little boy, was the "issue" of him being gay because he wanted to wear a dress.

We're allowing and promoting sexuality-based stereotypes in these young kids that transfer through to adult life. Because a male is more drawn to what's viewed as "feminine" clothing he must be gay or homosexual. Masculinity is so typically tied into clothing and appearance that we can't stand to think of a heterosexual male existing in a more feminine way. What was put forth with this actress and affirmed with parents is the need to "break" this way of thinking, even though it makes the child happy. I just am so incredibly appalled that we could allow kids to feel ashamed because of their taste in clothing and expression. We're so progressive about same-sex and gender oriented rights and yet we're still teaching boys that wanting to wear a dress makes them gay and teaching girls that want to represent a heroic male figure that people won't find them pretty. I realize that this is just for one day, but it's not just a simple matter of them wanting to wear a costume - this creates a lasting impression of what is right and wrong for a child. Not only is this enforced by the parents, but perfect strangers are making children feel ashamed for the things they like.

They're kids! They like so many different things! I went through phases where all I wanted to wear was a corduroy bunny costume my mother made me - I wasn't trying to fit into an ideal "gender" role or make people happy - I wanted to be a bunny dammit! That was the same year that also wanted to wear this red corduroy dress and my Aladdin hair clip nonstop. 

I could have been whatever in sam-hell I wanted to be for Halloween and I was. I wasn't forced into a gender-specific costumes or looks just because I was a girl, the first girl grandchild in my family, to give some context. I'm still not that way now. My three favorite material/patterns are plaid, safety orange and camo and I still like men - according to society I am massive walking contradiction! I, as an adult, have gone into stores wearing camo workshirts and been called a dyke, an assumption based solely on the way I dress. Because I'm actively interested in male-centered things I'm supposed to be a lesbian and am looked down on because I actively don't feel comfortable in typically female clothing. This does not make me any less of a woman, nor does it mean that I associate more as a man then a woman - it means that if I could wear ONE outfit for the rest of my life I would not be choosing a dress! I don't go shopping and assume I can only buy clothing that looks feminine because it is 2012 and I can wear whatever clothing style I want - something that we're not allowing children to do.

Just because I don't want to end this post on a negative note, I've included a story that really just gave me hope for the future and brought on a serious case of the feel-goods. This article is about a German father who supported his sons love of wearing dresses and skirts by sporting a skirt himself out in public. 

His son was too scared to venture out in public wearing "girls" clothes because he didn't want to be laughed, so this dad in all his awesomesauce-ness found a creative way to make his son feel comfortable in his skin. "“I didn’t want to talk my son into not wearing dresses and skirts. He didn’t make friends in doing that in Berlin already, and after a lot of contemplation, I had only one option left: To broaden my shoulders for my little buddy and dress in a skirt myself." Was the quote he gave papers for his decision. 

You can read the entire article here: 

I can say with a 150% certainty that my child will wear whatever the hell they want to, no matter what society deems appropriate for their gender. If I have a son and they want to play with barbies and wear dresses, that's what they're going to do - and I will not assume he is gay unless he comes out. If I have a daughter and she wants to wear cargo pants and monster truck shirts and play with cars then she's going to do that, and I will not assume she's a lesbian unless she comes out. 

Gender stereotyping and sexuality stereotyping is a completely medieval way of thinking in this day and age and although Halloween is truly just one night the implications of choices can last a lifetime.  

Dyke, Faggot, NoHomo and That's So Gay

A friend of mine showed me one of the most interesting websites I've ever come across. The University of Alberta launched the website http://www.nohomophobes.com/, a website that acts like a social mirror, showing how many times the words Faggot, Dyke, No Homo and So Gay are tweeted. The point of this is to show how much homophobic language is used and how little people think about it before they use it. 

As of 6:40 pm 

At 6:40 pm the word faggot at been tweeted almost 17,000 times. That number astounds me. On top of having the the number of tweets, they also post the tweets as they're coming in. This results in a never-ending stream of hate and negativity with very few tweets not using these words in a derogatory way. I believe that this is the point of mirrors, show us exactly what's there, not sugar coat things, even if we don't like what we see. I don't like what I see. 

I watched the stream for about ten minutes and saw maybe two tweets that were not using these words in a derogatory way, this shows me that we have a problem. People think that bullying is only when someone is personally attacking another person, and in some of these tweets there was a lot of blatant bullying. I view all the misuse of these words as a form of bullying and there is very little being done to stop it. 

A good friend of mine pointed out to me, what if someone who was at a very low point in their life stumbled across this website? What if someone, someone who felt so terrible about themselves, for who they were, found this website that used all these words to describe what they are as insults? We justify calling someone a faggot by saying things like, "well he's not really gay - I mean he's just an idiot or weird or stupid." We justify people calling a negative situation gay by saying things like, "well they didn't mean it."

What do people mean? When you're using homophobic language to describe negative situations you're saying exactly what you mean. Your words say that being homosexual is something negative, whether you think that's what you're saying or not. I'm by no means innocent of this, it wasn't until the last couple of years I realized how detrimental this is - for many different words. I have made it a habit to check my language before I open my mouth. 

It needs to not be okay for this language to be allowed. I know some of you will point out that you can't make believe accept something they don't believe in, and I agree. I can't force someone into thinking being gay is okay - nor should I want to. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. However, as much as you're allowed to be straight, people are allowed to be gay; if you don't approve then by all means stay straight. This falls into language, just because you are not gay does not give you the divine right to use homophobic language in a derogatory way. You have the right to choose but you also have the obligation to be a decent human. 

We use sexuality as this qualifier of how good you are as a person in this day and age and it's disgusting. Even Facebook wants to know what you're interested in! Why is there such a focus on sexuality when nobody wants to know about it if it's not theirs? You're pushed to be out and proud as either straight or gay and there's this middle fault line that just gets glazed eyes and nods of "mmhhmm" as a response... Up until this year I honestly knew very little about bisexuality, asexuality, transgendered or pansexuality. And now, in modern society, in GD 2012 we still operate under, "well as long as you're not gay." 

Who care who someone goes home with! Who cares who they are intimate with! I'm not in bed with you, by all means get as freaky as you want with whomever you want! I don't think a persons sexuality defines who they are - far from it. You're a person before your sexual orientation. 

I realize I went on a bit of rant here, but this is something that strikes a nerve. I've seen how the use of homophobic language can and has hurt people. I don't care if you think it's right or not, if you're not going to stand for same-sex couples then at least have the decency to stand up against bullying. People are being hurt because of something that can be so easily stopped! Do you think that at least some of those people would think twice about tweeting if someone tweeted them back telling them they're hurting people? I can guarantee it. 

In less than two hours the word faggot was tweeted 2179 times. The term NoHomo was tweeted 1034 times. So Gay was tweeted 848 times. And the word Dyke was tweeted 343 times. Collectively that's 4404 tweets using homophobic language and only a small number of those tweets will have anything remotely positive about them. 

Are you going to be part of the solution or part of the problem?

Need someone to talk to? Need support? 
Please don't hesitate to contact any of these resources. You are not alone. 

Youth Line - Support for Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans Teens
Youth Line

GLBT National Help Centre
GLBT