Bad Days

It's been a really long time since I've written one of these, not because I've been out of ideas (there's a large stack of drafted posts) but I've been very much lacking the motivation. This has been something I've been dealing with for awhile now because lately I've been having a lot of bad days.

I'm not talking about the "got the wrong coffee at the Tim's drive-through window" bad, I'm talking about the take everything out of you to get out of bed bad. Good mental health is something I preach about a lot and truthfully it's something that I let fall by the wayside for myself in the past couple of months. 

I hate admitting that I'm feeling like crap. I'm one of those "I'm fine" people, always have been and, begrudgingly, I probably will always be one of those people. I normally bugger off for a little bit and recharge enough that I can get by without anyone noticing. Truth is, that hasn't really been happening a lot lately. 

It's not that I've only been having bad days, I've had some great, positive moments and I've had plenty of really happy days mixed in, but for the most part I've just felt myself lacking. I'm not motivated to do much, I have 0 energy and getting out of bed makes me want to cry. Every small, insignificant thing in my life is becoming a large hurdle. I've stopped working out, caring what I eat and as a result have gained weight which is making me even less motivated. A bad reaction to birth control has led to me crying all the time and has pushed my anxiety through the roof. 

People are still really uncomfortable when confronted with the fact that someone isn't doing great. It's still something that's hard to talk about openly because people generally (while being well-meaning) give you the age old advice of "if you're not happy with something just change it." Being sad or anxious isn't something you can just generally switch off, the physical side effects of it (low/no energy, no motivation) aren't something you can just change with a positive attitude sometimes. Basically, life is hard and accepting that and trying to make what you can out of it is sometimes how you have to get by. 

I'm lucky to have a great support network (thank god) and some wonderful fuzzy creatures that let me squish them to within an inch of their life when needed which makes me grateful. Feeling like crap has put a lot of things into perspective for me, how much time and effort I put into people and, more importantly, how there isn't enough of me to invest in people who aren't worth it. It's been a reminder to take stock of my mental health and come to terms with the fact that I need a breather. Basically, it's okay to not be okay.

Of giving yourself permission to suck

I feel like I've been really neglecting social media, specifically my blog. It's mostly because I've been swamped and just haven't had that "aha!" moment that triggers a post. Today I was surfing through Youtube and watched a video that a friend of mine liked. This video really brought up a valid point through this person's personal experience.

You need to give yourself permission to suck.

All content of this video belongs to the lovely human being speaking in it! Please check out the channel and subscribe!

It’s hard to give yourself permission to suck, harder than you would expect really. I mean every single message, advertisement and best pieces of advice always push you “to be your best”. We’re always told that it’s okay to make mistakes but just sucking at something is never really a mistake – it’s an inadequacy. We’re told and taught that it’s bad to be inadequate in life and that somehow it’s equivalent of rolling over on your back and giving up on the world. You know what? Sometimes it’s okay to roll over and give up on the world. Sometimes it’s okay to suck.  All sexual innuendos aside, sucking is a part of life.

It’s hard to face the fact that you can’t be good at everything; no matter what you do there will be something that you can’t be good at. Whether you can’t draw to save your life or couldn’t boil water properly if you tried, you can’t be good at everything. As a bit of a perfectionist and incredibly competitive person this is something I’ve struggled with a lot. I want to be good at everything. I wish I was good at everything. I will force myself into sanity death spirals trying to be good at everything. I loathe giving myself permission to suck.

I think that refusing to give yourself permission to suck only does you a disservice for one big reason. If you’re good at everything or always good at everything, the small accomplishments and the tiny things you perfect beginlose their meaning. I compare it to if someone gets a present every single day – for no reason other than getting a present. By the time their birthday or a special occasion to celebrate comes around getting a gift loses the ability to be special because getting a gift is just a normal part of life. Sometimes (most of the time actually) we thrive on that "HAHA!" feeling that you just handed life a big ol' can of whoop-ass and accomplished something.

The fact is that sometimes it takes time to be good or even decent at something. My parents will tell you that when I started hunting and shooting I sucked at shooting a gun. People who know me would laugh this off, but I kid you not. Not only could I not hit the broad side of a barn but the first three times I shot a gun I cried. After a lot of practice (or as my dad would say – a lot of wasted in money plugging away at dirt piles that didn’t deserve it), I’m a really decent shot. It wasn’t until I gave myself permission to suck at shooting that I could actually start to improve at it. I didn’t make illusions that I was going to make a guest appearance in the remake of Shooter alongside Mark Whalberg, I sucked!

I think one of the biggest biggest lessons that I’ve learned (and still am) is to not take yourself too seriously. This isn’t saying to never be serious, but there is a middle ground. Life is too short to not laugh at the things you suck at and have fun while you’re trying to improve them. Don’t make learning to do something a chore or you’ll never enjoy it and remember that you never have to be good at everything.