Dog food is making me crazy

Dog food is driving me mental. 

I know that's not something that people often lose their marbles about but I seem to be locked into an all out battle with my 11 year old Golden's digestive system and the dog food companies. 

First off, I would like to apologize to the Pet Valu worker who attempted to help me. I didn't mean to be a total snatch to you but I am frustrated. When I explained the fact that my dog has severe allergies to chicken and WILL NOT eat fish please don't tell me that he'll eat your house brand's fish-based food because he'll love it. 

He won't.

He's 11 turning 12. That's like 72 in people years - that is plenty of time for him to stick to guns about not eating fish. Fish oil counts.

So does whitefish, pickerel - hell if it has gills let's just avoid it like the plague, because he will. I can guarantee you the only thing more stubborn than a pissed off Italian is a this dog faced with the prospects of dinner - au - poisson tonight. 

The other issue I'm having is where these companies are sourcing their ingredients from. Contrary to popular belief there isn't this big governing body over dog food companies that monitors them. I don't care about "real" meat being the first ingredient in his food, dogs in the wild and when they kill something that eat it eat everything! They eat the organs and bones and all that "nasty" things we think they shouldn't. What I'm concerned about is the fact I don't want my dogs food to be involved in a recall because they imported their ingredients from another country and it's been topped up with toxic fillers. 

Through this whole process I've learned that if you want to get a work-out just try the run around you'll get from dog food companies about where their ingredients come from. I don't want to know what parts of the damn sheep you used just tell me if it came from North America! I'm not asking because I want to jump on this bandwagon and lecture the shit out of you - I want to be an educated dog owner who knows where her dog food is coming from.

UPDATE

I realize that I never published the above article - but left it in draft. Since I wrote this I have found a dog food that meets my dogs nutritional needs and allergy needs that doesn't cost 150.00/ bag! 

After falling in absolute love with Nutro food I have been faced with the reality that they will no longer be bringing it into Timmins....

Stay tuned as the saga may continue.  

The Boston Cream donut that broke me

I've had terrible luck.

I think that's the understatement of the year. From November 2012 to now it seems that life has made me the target for some really random terrible things - and a few great things (it's not all been downhill). This is a recollection of the events ultimately leading to a complete breakdown which was caused because of a donut.

This past week in particular was a prime example of how the world made me its used toilet paper. I finally was able to get home for a couple weeks - not under the greatest circumstances - but it was nice to spend time with family. I spent the evening at two good friend's going away party and came home to just relax. I slept amazingly, but when I woke up I was covered in bites/hives. Turns out my apartment was absolutely infested with bed bugs. 

Hey Kaileigh - Imma fuck all your shit up

Anyway, turns out I'm really allergic to these little bastards and broke out in a mass of itchy, burning hives. Called the landlord who sent someone that day (after much arguing). After a 10 minute spray down of the apartment the exterminator told me that I was good to go - but would be bitten for the next 10-15 days. That did not fly - not in the slightest. After much threatening the owner of the company decided to come out the next day to take a look.

Meanwhile - I had four hours to kill so I figured I'd get ahead on the adulty things and get an oil change and tire rotation. Quite proud of myself, I waited until the mechanic called me into where my car was - only to be told I had a seized ball joint in the right front and it needed fixing. So on the day my apartment was being sprayed for bugs I also had to fork out $730.00 in a surprise mechanic bill! 

Now I'm a pretty laid back person - so I took these in stride. I called my parents and laughed about my luck and just prepared to get on with it. After finding a friends place to sleep I started planning on getting my things cleaned and de-bugged and paid the man for my car (Scarlett and I are still not talking). It wasn't until a few days later - after I had met with the owner of the company who did nothing but assure me that I was going to be okay that things went downhill and it all ended with a donut.

I scooted to Timmies to grab a coffee and donut - because by god I deserved it - and headed off to load up on garbage bags. After getting through about half of the donut I realized that this Boston Cream had absolutely no filling. None. Nothing. 

I just kind of stared at in shock and ended up pulling over to just take this in. And then, sitting in my car on the side of Lakeshore Blvd in Toronto, staring at an empty donut I lost it. The entire world came crashing down and there was just no stopping it. I bawled - and not only did I bawl - I ugly snot cried in my car over my misery-pastry and coffee for what felt like hours. I fogged the windows up - I stared people down who were unlucky enough to catch a glimpse of me. 

I'll be fine - just having a little meltdown

I don't know why - but this very tiny, insignificant detail of my day ended up sending me into an emotional tailspin that left me sobbing in my car for 25 minutes on the side of the road, scaring pedestrians. I don't think that there has been anything to date that's upset me more than that stupid cream-less donut. I have absolutely no idea why something so small would set me off - I could have bawled in my car after the exterminator left but no - instead my entire existence stopped for a large amount of time because Tim Horton's screwed the pooch on giving me delicious (albeit stale) chocolate covered, cream-filled heaven in bread. 

UPDATE: 
After much arguing with my landlord - it was decided it's best to just GTFO from that apartment building - which began a mad dash to clean, pack and move me. Still working on it. 

Can still feel things crawling all over me at all times. 

Confessions of a fat horseback rider

Horseback riding is one of my greatest loves - and I'm very sure it always will be. That being said it was a major thorn in my self-esteem until quite recently for a simple reason: horseback riding isn't a fat friendly sport. 

When you think of female equestrians you always think of these regal, willowy women on gorgeous horses. I mean look at the tack shops - finding apparel for a plus-size rider is damn near impossible and if you do it normally comes with a massive price tag. I know a personal issue I've had is finding boots/half-chaps. I've spent years and still can't find an affordable pair of field boots to fit my 18' calves. It's only in the past year did brands like Mondega started making an XL and XXL half chap (thank the pony gods!) As a plus size rider some days it feels like the entire sport exists to tell you you shouldn't be in it. 

I know I'm not the only one who has walked into a show ring and been snickered at. "Did you see the fat girl on the paint?" "That's so sad that someone would let her show like that." "That poor horse." 

You see I did hear the whispered comments, quite loudly. My reaction was what it will always be - slap on that show ring SMILE. When you get caught up in the politics of what people think you should and shouldn't do you lose what it means to love riding. I could tell someone that they need to stop see-sawing their hands because it looks like they're in a jazzercise class - but I don't. That opinion is not constructive - it's petty and it's judgmental. 

I think the comment that stood out the most came from a previous coaches daughter one day. She quite blatantly told me it was a shame that my horse was bought by "someone like me" because he could do so much more. 

I remember being so upset - she was talking about my size and the fact we had a capped jumping height with his 15'2 build - and it just bothered me. To be completely honest it still kind of does although he is no longer my horse. Someone didn't think I was worthy of a horse that I adored and that adored me because I wouldn't achieve their level of "appropriate" riding for that horse.  Then it hit me and I was reminded of one of the biggest thing I had forgotten about riding.

It's not about how big you jump, how many ribbons you get, how many champions you bring home - it's about how you feel. It's about tap-dancing for the last two hours of your work day because you are going to the barn after. It's about grabbing your horse and giving them a big ol' kiss using a stupid baby voice. It's about bad days and good days (for both of you) and it's most definitely NOT about the size of your ass. Yes, as a plus-size rider you can't ride tiny little ponies or even some horses - and that's not insulting that's just your limitations. It's comparable to not putting a beginner on a 3 year old OTTB who is completely wired all the time. 

All the dialogue aside - I've compiled my list of Kaileigh Russell's Fat Rider Survival Guide:

1. Surround yourself with good horse people - just like everywhere else people suck. Don't feel like you need to suck up and be friends with people who don't feel you're worthy of them. They're right, you're not - you're capable of seeing past someone's looks.
2. Ignore the comments - this one is hard, trust me. People will be quick to tell you you're too fat to ride, whether that's friends, coaches or even tack store associates. These are not the people that spend hours with your horse, walk them when they colic, work them through their bad days. These people don't want to face the fact that they might be shown up by a fat rider not wearing field boots because they don't come in their f***ing size.
3. Know your limits - You won't be able to ride everything or jump everything. It's not insulting, it's not rude - it's the truth. Don't let people belittle you and make that fact a condescending dig. EVERY single rider has limits - no matter their size. 
4. Don't take peoples crap - whether you call them on their ignorance or just walk away, you don't have to put up with it. If you can get a 1000+ pound animal to stop being a turd then I completely believe you can tell someone to go the hell away. 
5. You can do anything you want if you put your mind (and ass) to it. 
6. If it's not constructive - it's white noise. Someone telling you fat people are ruining the horse industry compared to someone telling you how to balance yourself as a bigger rider are not both advice. Pick which one you'd rather hear.
7. People suck - horses don't. Your horse will not tell you you look fat in those breeches. Your horse will not tell you you're disgusting and your horse will never tell you you don't deserve to have them. Remember that - at the end of the day it should be about you and your horse, not you and the peanut gallery. 

How to torture an introvert

I am an introvert.
Being an introvert I’ve been subject to having who I am treated like a flaw, something that I can just get over easily to become a better person. I was chatting with a good friend of mine about an incident that happened recently that’s left me all anxious and blah when I started thinking….There are a lot of things that exist in the world that we’re forced to do for jobs, sports and school that just don’t take into account introverted personalities at all. So – I’ve compiled a list based on my own experience!

Ice Breakers (aka Introvert Breakers)
I worked in a residence for two years and one of the biggest part of team building was the ice breakers. I always was filled with a sick sense of dread that I’d shove down and cover with a big smile when inside I was peeing my pants at icebreakers. There were butterflies, hornets, little men with jackhammers all up in my stomach – but I did those ice breakers. Now, I didn’t feel like they made me closer to my teammates, I didn’t feel like I accomplished anything useful – I just felt drained. Always.

I was always confused why ice breakers are so prominent everywhere. If you think about it – ice breakers are basically introvert breakers. They don’t allow the quiet people who thrive on coming out of their shell gradually do that – they basically (mentally and emotionally) strip you naked and throw you to the wolves. Shouldn’t team building focus on building the team up with all its different parts – not just implying all those parts need to be identical?

I’ve noticed that after these ice breakers (which always happen at the beginning of an event) I always felt drained. Just empty – and at that point you almost always have a full day of activities ahead of you. So you have the extroverts who recharge on those activities – and the introverts who burn it like diesel and by the end of the day only the extroverts look like team players. By the time free-time was available I was always ready to just find a quiet spot alone and try to pour just a little bit of gas in my tank because I was even out of fumes by that point.

- Please if you’re a leader of any kind and thinking about doing ice breakers please incorporate ice breakers that are introvert friendly!

Public Speaking

I hate public speaking, I absolutely hate it.

There is nothing appealing about stepping in front of people and trying to sound like an intelligent, coherent human being.

And that`s why global warming is terrible!

I picked a career that requires a lot of public speaking and I’ve learned to just get used to it but to me it ranks under getting my stitches without freezing (at least they only took a few minutes). I’ve had great times public speaking but I’ve always ended up feeling like I need to spend six days in bed afterwards I’m so tired. It’s difficult for me to keep up that high, engaging energy level that comes with good public speaking – because great public speakers are often looked at as extroverts. People expect high energy, engaging individuals to pump them up – and for an introvert that’s the equivalent of sucking the life force of them.

Solitude isn’t good for you

This one is the most relevant for me right now, this is the one that just left me a bit drained today. It’s the notion that every single person is able to and should relax by hanging out with people and that when you do want to spend time alone you’re an anti-social weirdo.

I need time to recharge and just be alone. I love hanging out with people, I adore my friends and family but after a full day of being high energy, motivated and working hard a day alone is beautiful. It’s not because I hate people or I don’t want to be with people, it’s because I need to recharge. It’s assumed that every single person should recharge going out with friends or being outside of the house. Seriously, some days I feel like I’m just some peeping Tom starring at my bed.

It`s okay baby, one day, one day I`ll get you

I’ve had weekends that have gone from no plans to ten plans in a matter of hours and instead of being pumped for the weekend and not working I feel even more tired. I either shut down completely to cram everyone into one hellish day that leaves me scrambling emotionally to prepare for the next one.

Susan Cain said it absolutely best, “Solitude matters and for some people it is the air that they breathe”. Solitude is my air sometimes and I think because the vast majority of my friends are wonderful extroverts it gets forgotten. By the end of the week sometimes it feels like I’m just drowning under the weight of absolutely all the social things I’ve accepted and done to myself, counting down the days until I can just breathe.

I think it’s really really important to remember that being introverted is not a flaw. Introverts don’t strive to be more extroverted because that’s not who we are. There’s this spectrum to extroversion and introversion and no one person falls in the exact same spot on that spectrum. Extroverts are absolutely awesome, and so are introverts – they just go about it in a different way. 

**All photos copyrighted to Allie Broshe of Hyperbole and a Half 

Muslim woman required to remove niqab in order to testify against attackers

**Trigger warning - this post talks about sexual assault.

First off, let me start by saying that I am not Muslim. So right off the bat, if there are any corrections to terms or religious points I am more than happy to do so!

This article caught my eye in the National Post today with the headline After years and a sharply divided supreme court decision, judge rules woman must remove niqab to testify. To give you a quick rundown of the story, 30 years ago this woman was sexually assaulted by two men, and she began the process of trying to prosecute. The issue that has come out is that this woman wears a niqab (which covers the full face) which an Ontario judge feels would impede cross-examination. After a long time of deliberating they ruled that in order to testify against her attackers, this woman would have to break religious constraints and remove her niqab.

I am disgusted at the message this sends to Muslim women (and all women really) out there who have been sexually assaulted and are looking at prosecuting their attackers. The woman, now 37, would have been around seven years old at the time of her assault and has since chosen to wear this garb as a way of removing any sexual aspect from men that are not family. In a nutshell the deafening message is that in order to bring men to justice you will once again have to expose yourself in front of strangers.

I understand why they came to this conclusion – it’s very easy to hide emotional responses behind a face covering and could throw off the trial – for either side. What bothers me so incredibly much is that there was no alternative given. There was not the option to be interviewed without the face covering by a woman in a private room – it was simply you must expose yourself to a room full of strangers. I realize in western culture we’re accustomed to exposing our bodies and covering our faces is something that borders on strange for us. However, for someone not accustomed to that culture – exposing her face could feel like standing in a room naked. This woman was a victim of sexual assault, if anything the justice system should be making damn sure they treat her with respect and are aware of possible triggers.

The courage it takes to seek justice as a victim of sexual assault is enormous. I don’t that feeling personally, I can’t even imagine what it feels like, but I know that the courage to do something about it is massive. So why do we want to impress on Muslim women that if they want to seek justice they will be required to expose themselves? I just... for a good few minutes I didn't even have words. Sexual assault is absolutely terrible and leaves you at your most vulnerable – it entails someone exposing you without your consent and assaulting you. Why, why why whywhywhywhy would our justice system then turn around and expose them without their consent? It absolutely boggles my mind.

The woman’s lawyer has stated that they will be appealing this decision and for the sake of this woman, and the message it sends to other sexual assault (and any assault) victims – I hope they win. 

Dear bully

Dear bully;

I feel like there's no nice way to start a letter like this because there's honestly just nothing nice about it. So I first off want to start by saying that I'm sorry. I am so sorry that you are very angry with the world, I am so sorry that you've had to face what you've had to face throughout your life. I am very sorry that at such a young age the only thing that life has left you is bitter. I, however, am not sorry that this has left you under the impression that your hatred and dislike for people has left you with the impression that you can bully them. 

I know you might read this and be left going, "that dumb bitch writes a passive aggressive letter on the internet - how fucking mature is she". The reason that I'm tackling this through my blog is because I'm entirely sure that there wouldn't be any way to say what it is I have to say with you in person. Whether it is because you believe I'm a complete nut or think that I'm ten shades of wrong, I am confident you would not listen. 

You see, the entire reason I'm writing this is because you've made it your mission to make my little sister's life hell and I'm not okay with that. You're one of the major forces in her almost crippling anxiety. I realize that reading this, where you are now, you might find a flicker of sick and twisted pleasure in that - I don't. I don't think that driving someone to the point of requiring help for anxiety is something to be proud of. Ever. The major issue I have, however, is that you thought it was alright to tell her that she should kill herself through the March break and that the world would be a better place without her. 

I just want to tell you, whether you care or not, that I think quite the opposite actually. I think the world would fucking blow without my little sister in it and I am absolutely disgusted that you seem to think your opinion of her is the only one that matters. You're a mother, you've gone through hell and back for your daughter, so I don't have to tell you what it would mean if someone told you that the world would only benefit from her being gone from it. 

Now I'm not angry with you for saying that, I was at first, I'll be honest. I wanted to get online and turn all those nasty comments you unleashed on her and throw them back at you. I wanted to pound the everliving fuck out of you to somehow bring you down to the level you seem hellbent on bringing her to. I'm not angry now. Instead I'm sad, I'm sad for you. I'm sad that the only way you seem to be able to feel alright about yourself is through wishing people out of existence. I feel sad for you because the only way you feel good is through trying to destroy other people. I feel absolutely sorry because you won't take anything away from being told that because you think you're entitled to that right.

I honestly and truly hope that nobody ever treats you or your daughter the way that you treat other people because nobody deserves that. I hope that if someone ever treats you or your daughter the way you treat people someone is strong enough to stand up for them, because everyone needs someone to stand up for them. I hope that you find someone to stand up for you and I hope that you find people that will only help you bring yourself up - not bring others down. 

I want to let you know that I'm not angry with you, I'm not going to get mad at you and I'm not going to blame you - but I will not allow you to continue to bully my little sister. Just like you should have someone to stand up for you I'm telling you that I will stand up for her. I will not threaten, I will not yell and I will not ever physically hurt you - but I will not tolerate bullying.

I think that it's easy to call people names and insult them when you're angry, I've definitely been there. I think that it takes a stronger, bigger person to turn that inwards and find out why the actions of someone that don't affect you bother you so much. I think it takes unimaginable strength and courage to tell yourself that you're unhappy and realize that through your own unhappiness you're harming others. I think that, and maybe you're not ready yet, and hope that someday you are strong enough to not let others matter to you. I hope that one day that you're strong enough to not need to bully people to feel good about yourself. I honestly hope that one day you give your daughter an amazing role model to look up to, because from the big sister of the girl you told to kill herself, that's not the case right now.

Oh shit...does this mean I'm an adult?

I found myself having a bit of an identity crisis this morning when it finally hit me - I don't have anymore classes for my program. I'm, in most ways, done my program. Shit.

Appropriate picture is appropriate
Copyright Allie Brosh 2009-2011

I think my biggest source of discomfort comes from the fact that I will no longer be identified as a student. I mean I always joke that getting my degree and diploma is the last thing I need to make me a real person (not that you need either of those to be a real person) but what in sam-hell is going to be my identifier? I've literally been a student for the past 16 years straight of my life. It seems so weird that by the end of the summer that encyclopedia sized chapter of my life is closing.

I wish I knew how to quit you...
Copyright Shutterstock

I mean, it's not like for the past year I haven't done anything with my life except be a student, I do work full time in my field and I have all the bills and responsibilities of an adult. It's not going to be a sudden change from STUDENT to REAL LIFE ADULT MOTHATRUCKAH! It still just seems weird that for the first time in 16 years (and I mean prior to that I was about four years old, titles weren't a priority) I will not be a student. 

Despite all the moaning about it I really do have very few intentions on going back, at least for a year or two. I mean - I will have a practical degree and diploma to apply for jobs with in a specific career. I can say with all honesty both myself and my student loan are pleased as punch that tuition payments and book fees are no longer on our horizon. 

How it actually looks to realize you don't have to fork out thousands of dollars twice a year
Copyright Allie Brosh 2009-2011

Finishing post-secondary is such a bittersweet feeling, I'm starting to realize. I mean, being a student is fun! For some reason I've got this idea in my head that being a "real adult" means that I have to wear a pantsuit all the time and never smile. I'm starting to realize that very little is going to change, okay I may have to purchase a pantsuit...but that's really it.

I don't have a solid life plan - I mean if you look at all of the things I've been looking into it resembles a squirrel that drank a lot of Red Bull and tried to accomplish something. I keep trying to remind myself - you're still young, you really don't have to start panicking quite yet (please refer me to this post on my birthday), you have time. Really my list of goals kind of ended with "Get degree/diploma" - so I suppose that's the next thing to tackle. What do I want? What's my next BIG goal? Also, what do I want for lunch today...