War of the house centipedes has been declared

I declared war yesterday night.

War on something so vile and disgusting that I was not able to contain my angelic-like composure – alright so that’s a polite way of saying I freaked the heck out.

Why? These things.

Oh hey look, I'm pure evil.

House centipedes.

Now, I’ve never seen one of these things before in my life and I was completely unprepared for its existence when I moved the plate from in the sink. But there it was, as soon as the light hit it was scrambling around the sink trying to get. I screamed and threw the tap on trying to flush it down the sink, but it was having none of that.

At this point, the cat is hiding in my bedroom because I’ve gone totally mental, I’m brandishing the Ikea dish scrubby like a sword and spraying the thing with Mr. Clean bathroom cleaner – which is proving to be completely useless. What creature isn’t impervious to Mr. Clean!? I had a good mind to write them a strongly worded letter, if you can’t kill a centipede how are you supposed to kill bacteria!? Finally, I grab the bottle of bleach from under the sink and start dousing this stupid creature in it, yelling to all of the house centipedes that may or may not be watching this homicide of their scout happen.

I finally get him down the drain and I’m standing in the kitchen in my pjs, hair everywhere, holding a bottle of bleach and the dish scrubby making the greatest war speech to have ever existed. Had Darth Vader heard this speech he would stopped building the death star and joined up with the good guys, it was that persuasive.

So, I’ve declared war. I’ve made the first move. They send their scout and I defeated him without mercy or remorse. Will more come? Maybe. Will I be ready? Yes. Until that moment comes I’ve crafted “The Guide to Surviving and Winning the War Against House Centipedes”.

·         Do not feel pity for them: That’s what they’re looking for; they’ll find a way into your heart just as quickly as they found a way into your house.

·         Do not use Mr. Clean: Experience states that they are now impervious to it. I’m assuming this is from all the prior attempts at being killed by it, they’ve just developed an immunity. Bleach is your number one weapon.

·         They’re fast: Like lightning fast, someone clocked them at going .4 metres per second. That’s too fast to be allowed to exist in a home. Work on your aim and trying to get them in a sink. If that doesn’t work, cardio is your best friend. You’re going to have to run faster than them.

·         They can’t escape sinks: If you can get a house centipede into a sink it will be completely at your mercy. It’s like throwing a fish on land. Keep bleach handy at all times.

·         They are not scared of Ikea dish scrubbies: If they don’t fear it, make them fear it.

Wish me luck, I will keep you updated.