The war of the centipedes: Day 2 - The battle of the drain

I feel like this should be written from the trenches instead of my couch. I was right about the first one only being a scout; they sent their first platoon last night. I’m just glad that they haven’t figured out that they can’t get out of sinks yet.

I'm on to you....

                I realized I’m not the only one fighting this battle; a lot of people in Toronto are having the same issue with them. My supervisor said that they like dark, cool places to hide and so they tend to come up through the pipes. I co-worker of mine mentioned a time when she was taking a bath and as she was in the tub and the water rose over the jets in the tub all the ones that were hiding in the jets started floating in the water.

                I’m never taking baths again.

                Ever.

                But on to the first battle, I went to go rinse out Bowyn’s food dish and refill the guinea pig’s water bottle for the night and I saw a small flurry of legs. I yelled for the cat to get back and immediately grabbed for the dish scrubby and bleach again. I was prepared this time. Instead of another one, three, THREE of these vile disgusting evil things burst out of the drain towards me. In true ladylike fashion I screamed, dropped the bottle of bleach and hightailed it out of their cursing like a sailor. The cat positioned himself under the bed again; he’s got the hang of this.

                I collected myself, resisted the urge to put war paint on my cheeks (ok it was body lotion- but it would have worked the same) and drew up my strategy. Knowing that they were in the sink and couldn’t get out I had time. If they went down the drain I’d just run scalding water and bleach down there for about 10 minutes and drown the bastards. My plan was simple; stun then kill them. Draw it out longer than before; they need to know that I’m serious.

                I grabbed a can of Bath and Body Works concentrated room spray (in salted caramel), the bottle of bleach from the kitchen floor and faced my foe. As I peered into the sink all three of them were huddled together, plotting no doubt, but I used the element of surprise to my advantage. Brandishing the room spray I doused them in it while their backs were turned and let me tell you, death never smelt so good. They wriggled around and tried to feebly launch whatever plan they had created, one deeked left, the other right and I grabbed the bleach and doused the healthy looking one, then the one on the left and then the right.

This is what I've been forced to become...

                I left them in the sink, in their death throws and told them to say hello to their comrade in hell. I’m in the business of death and business is good.

                There you have it, this retaliation on their end indicates something more sinister awaits. I’m prepared, I’ve stocked up on room spray and bleach. The cat is ready, I saw him practising his burying skills (he was actually going pee, but I prefer to see it as multi-tasking) the girls were chewing their carrots to sharpen their teeth and strengthen their jaws. Together, we will not be beat. We will win this.

Until next time.

Photos from:
House centipede
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/699812

Illustration by Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a half
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2010/03/spiders-are-scary-its-okay-to-be-afraid.html 

War of the house centipedes has been declared

I declared war yesterday night.

War on something so vile and disgusting that I was not able to contain my angelic-like composure – alright so that’s a polite way of saying I freaked the heck out.

Why? These things.

Oh hey look, I'm pure evil.

House centipedes.

Now, I’ve never seen one of these things before in my life and I was completely unprepared for its existence when I moved the plate from in the sink. But there it was, as soon as the light hit it was scrambling around the sink trying to get. I screamed and threw the tap on trying to flush it down the sink, but it was having none of that.

At this point, the cat is hiding in my bedroom because I’ve gone totally mental, I’m brandishing the Ikea dish scrubby like a sword and spraying the thing with Mr. Clean bathroom cleaner – which is proving to be completely useless. What creature isn’t impervious to Mr. Clean!? I had a good mind to write them a strongly worded letter, if you can’t kill a centipede how are you supposed to kill bacteria!? Finally, I grab the bottle of bleach from under the sink and start dousing this stupid creature in it, yelling to all of the house centipedes that may or may not be watching this homicide of their scout happen.

I finally get him down the drain and I’m standing in the kitchen in my pjs, hair everywhere, holding a bottle of bleach and the dish scrubby making the greatest war speech to have ever existed. Had Darth Vader heard this speech he would stopped building the death star and joined up with the good guys, it was that persuasive.

So, I’ve declared war. I’ve made the first move. They send their scout and I defeated him without mercy or remorse. Will more come? Maybe. Will I be ready? Yes. Until that moment comes I’ve crafted “The Guide to Surviving and Winning the War Against House Centipedes”.

·         Do not feel pity for them: That’s what they’re looking for; they’ll find a way into your heart just as quickly as they found a way into your house.

·         Do not use Mr. Clean: Experience states that they are now impervious to it. I’m assuming this is from all the prior attempts at being killed by it, they’ve just developed an immunity. Bleach is your number one weapon.

·         They’re fast: Like lightning fast, someone clocked them at going .4 metres per second. That’s too fast to be allowed to exist in a home. Work on your aim and trying to get them in a sink. If that doesn’t work, cardio is your best friend. You’re going to have to run faster than them.

·         They can’t escape sinks: If you can get a house centipede into a sink it will be completely at your mercy. It’s like throwing a fish on land. Keep bleach handy at all times.

·         They are not scared of Ikea dish scrubbies: If they don’t fear it, make them fear it.

Wish me luck, I will keep you updated.