"I'm fat therefore I cannot have an attractive boyfriend"

This was the title of a Tumblr post made by a Youtuber that I've been following for a little while and for some reason it made me so angry. 

This plus-sized girl was bombarded by messages after showing her (by all society's standards) hot boyfriend off in her videos. I think it bothered me a lot more than I was expecting because I was there when I was dating my ex through the end of high school and into University. As someone who has always struggled with body-image issues having the "hot" guy want to date you makes it really easy to spend countless nights going, "well why in sam hell would someone like him want to date me." You can ask him, I asked that question on almost a daily basis. My self-worth was going through a landslide change because in my head hot men date hot women (or other men). Instead of it becoming a source of empowerment I ended up spiraling downwards because:
A) I constantly felt like I owed this boy something just for dating me
B) I chalked his worth as a person up by his looks. 
C) Nothing I could ever do was good enough because he was hot and I was fat
D) My self-worth became dependent on the relationship - without him I was a fat loser

It's disgusting that at this point in time we still put an emphasis on the way a couple looks together over the way the are with each other. We encourage beautiful people to be with beautiful people and put them down when their significant others don't fit the bill. That's terribly degrading and destructive to someone. I can't speak for everyone, but if I even had half the confidence I have now in high school, I would not have been dating my ex for half as long as I did. It's alright to put both men and women down for the person they fall in love with because of their looks. It doesn't matter that I have a grade f***king A+ personality and am generally just freaking awesome and deserve the best - I settled for the first good looking gent who showed me attention because that meant more than my own sanity. 

I know I'm not the only girl or guy to have done this, completely rely on someone to make you feel good about yourself, and I can honestly say it never works. I think the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower explains it best: "We accept the love we think we deserve." I didn't think I deserved someone society deemed attractive because that's what people said, so when it ended, so did any sense of my worth as a human being. 

Even reading this back to myself is hard at this point in my life - knowing that with all of my being I didn't think I deserved the best because I was, and am, fat. And yes, someone will ask - I am single, very much so. Not because I don't think I deserve love, but I still have a bit to go before I'm at a spot where I can honestly say I love myself completely enough to let someone share that with me. Let's be honest here, I'm awesome enough for two people and have no trouble in just being in my own skin for awhile. I deserve the time to get it right with myself, because nobody else is going to be in your mind if you get hit by a bus in a freak accident saving a kitten from impending doom and wind up in a coma for 6 months. 

I'm not sure who reads this - I know I post links to places - but if anyone out there feels the way this title states then this little bottom bit is for you. 

You deserve the best. Tall, small, short, fat, curvy, skinny, black, white, brown or green. It doesn't matter if your thighs touch, your bum kind of resembles cottage cheese and your belly gets in the way when you try to tie your shoes. It doesn't matter if your boobs are mosquito bites and your thighs haven't said hello in years - you deserve exactly what you want. 

Don't let your looks define the way you are with someone. You are awesome - you are, you. Go get a mirror. Now. Do it. Look at your reflection. Those eyes, that nose, that mouth is awesome. That brain in your head that makes you say fantastic and beautiful things, makes stupid decisions and smashes your shin on that coffee table-you-know-is-there-but-never-think-about-it-when-the-lights-are-off makes you awesome. 

Taking back the meaning of Movember

This is a hard post to find the words for, mostly because I have always been incredibly upfront about my feelings about Movember. I'll just come out and say it; I hate that dirty strip of hair over a man's lip. However; because this is done for such a great cause I can honestly put that aside, no matter how much I don't like the way it looks. 

The hardest part of this post was and is trying to come up with the words that don't take away the meaning of this campaign. So please, no matter how I come across here know that this is a great and important campaign. This needs to keep happening and the support for it is incredibly important. With that away we go! 

I have a major problem with the way Movember has been going and no, it's not because of the facial hair. It's this:

I've talked to a couple of people about this and my feelings on it I've gotten a variety of reactions. The biggest being, of course women would try to get in something that is focused on men. To which I say, bullshit. Bull. Fucking. Shit. Any woman should be allowed and encouraged to support men in a raising funds and awareness for a "male" issue, in the same way a man can wear pink in support of breast cancer. 

What I'm talking about it's deemed disgusting if a woman doesn't shave anywhere for a month, even if she's showing support for the Movember campaign. I realize that a lot of people will shake their head and think I'm turning this into a feminist issue - and honestly if that's your thought - shake away. 

The first tweet here is the one of the ones that has me scratching my head the most. #KeepItClean. 

Because if a woman doesn't constantly maintain herself she's dirty and disgusting. Part of my frustration comes from sitting on Tumblr and seeing people anonymously asking some of the people I follow if they're disgusting for having periods while dating people. Why, why, WHY is it so ingrained into our brains that our natural selves are just dirty and not good enough for us to feel attractive. That somehow the fact that we're not shaving our legs or lets just get it out there PUBIC HAIR dictates we're not worthy of feeling attractive. 

Now I'm not saying that women who do these things are fake and not gorgeous, some people are just more comfortable getting their landscaping on - and that's fine. Some women think they're gorgeous without it and that should be fine too. 

These two tweets I've seen reproduced again and again and again. Women shaming other women for being disgusting for not shaving and thinking that women who leave everything the way it is are nasty. 

What's nasty is this completely overbearing need to dictate body image and covering it up through a movement meant to help prostate cancer and men's mental health - both very important issues.

Now, this post is shorter than I wanted it to be - I may edit it later, but I have to get up early for work tomorrow. I leave you with this:

Boys: 

- Good luck to all you Mo' Bros out there. May your upper lip sport the dirtiest most money-raising and change inspiring facial hair.

- To all of you supporting and raising money for this amazing campaign, I hope you do awesome.

- To all those affected by either prostate cancer directly or no someone who has - this month is for you. 

Girls:

- Do not feel pressured into feeling like you need to look a certain way in order to be attractive. If the fact that your legs are hairy is enough to send someone running for the hills then let them get as far away from you as they want. 

- Don't shame other women who may be completely comfortable in not shaving any part of their body into thinking they're disgusting or nasty. 

Don't let hype overshadow the real reason this campaign is happening. Show your support, any way you feel you can. 

Gender/Sexuality Stereotyping and Halloween Costumes

I think I found the most disturbing video I've seen on the internet and no, nothing but acceptance and common sense dies in it. 

This video is part of ABC's 'What Would You Do?', a series of undercover videos that put the unsuspecting public in situations that involve a range of issues from abuse and bullying to discrimination. I've watched a ton of these videos, as most of them are on Youtube, but this one I believe is the worst of all of them.

I'm assuming that you went ahead and watched this before you kept reading, if not go do that and I'll wait here for you....
Alright, so in this video a child actor (one male, one female) are out choosing Halloween costumes with an actress playing their mother. In it, the young boy wants to dress up like a princess for Halloween and the young girl wants to be Spiderman. The actress playing the mother is against it from the very beginning and it escalates when the child puts on the costume, with the actress saying she wants to "nip this in the bud" before it continues to see what peoples reactions are. 

I'll tackle the way the young girl was treated and reacted to first. One woman and her friend stood up and approved of the young girl wearing the Spiderman costume, reasoning that it was indicative of a strong girl, and that the world needed more female Spiderwomen. This girl was told by complete strangers that she needed to be a princess and girls are prettier as princess' because that's what they're supposed to be. "If she's Spiderman she only gets to be that for one day, if she's a princess she gets to be one 24/7," like real girls are supposed to be. There is so much wrong here with the way these strangers inserted themselves into this young girl's personal identity. The woman who stood up for this girl brought up the fact that, without actually saying it outright, she felt this mother was trying to avoid her child "turning" into a lesbian because of her choice in male-oriented costumes. 

The young boy's reactions just honestly broke my heart. Every single woman that reacted did so in a, while polite, negative way. Focusing on firefighter, policeman or superhero and typically male-centered costumes. They empathized with the mother, one woman even saying her own son did they same thing but she stopped it early and that it was just a phase. They even went so far as to allow their younger sons to say, "Ew, that's for girls," and laughed about it. I was completely blown away at the sheer reinforcement of gender stereotypes when it comes to Halloween costumes. You are allowed to dress up and encouraged to be creative as long as it fits into the strict female/male boxes you fit in as a child. There are exceptions to these, like having 2 feet of snow on Halloween as a kid and having to have a costume that fit your entire snowsuit underneath...I was a pumpkin a lot...

To get back on point - we wonder why we're seeing so much gender stereotyping in the world when we're actively promoting it through a holiday that's supposed to be fun! Instilling this thinking of: you are a girl, therefore you are a princess and you are a boy, therefore you can only be masculine is completely deprecating to our society. Another massive elephant in the room during all of these interactions, that existed almost exclusively for the little boy, was the "issue" of him being gay because he wanted to wear a dress.

We're allowing and promoting sexuality-based stereotypes in these young kids that transfer through to adult life. Because a male is more drawn to what's viewed as "feminine" clothing he must be gay or homosexual. Masculinity is so typically tied into clothing and appearance that we can't stand to think of a heterosexual male existing in a more feminine way. What was put forth with this actress and affirmed with parents is the need to "break" this way of thinking, even though it makes the child happy. I just am so incredibly appalled that we could allow kids to feel ashamed because of their taste in clothing and expression. We're so progressive about same-sex and gender oriented rights and yet we're still teaching boys that wanting to wear a dress makes them gay and teaching girls that want to represent a heroic male figure that people won't find them pretty. I realize that this is just for one day, but it's not just a simple matter of them wanting to wear a costume - this creates a lasting impression of what is right and wrong for a child. Not only is this enforced by the parents, but perfect strangers are making children feel ashamed for the things they like.

They're kids! They like so many different things! I went through phases where all I wanted to wear was a corduroy bunny costume my mother made me - I wasn't trying to fit into an ideal "gender" role or make people happy - I wanted to be a bunny dammit! That was the same year that also wanted to wear this red corduroy dress and my Aladdin hair clip nonstop. 

I could have been whatever in sam-hell I wanted to be for Halloween and I was. I wasn't forced into a gender-specific costumes or looks just because I was a girl, the first girl grandchild in my family, to give some context. I'm still not that way now. My three favorite material/patterns are plaid, safety orange and camo and I still like men - according to society I am massive walking contradiction! I, as an adult, have gone into stores wearing camo workshirts and been called a dyke, an assumption based solely on the way I dress. Because I'm actively interested in male-centered things I'm supposed to be a lesbian and am looked down on because I actively don't feel comfortable in typically female clothing. This does not make me any less of a woman, nor does it mean that I associate more as a man then a woman - it means that if I could wear ONE outfit for the rest of my life I would not be choosing a dress! I don't go shopping and assume I can only buy clothing that looks feminine because it is 2012 and I can wear whatever clothing style I want - something that we're not allowing children to do.

Just because I don't want to end this post on a negative note, I've included a story that really just gave me hope for the future and brought on a serious case of the feel-goods. This article is about a German father who supported his sons love of wearing dresses and skirts by sporting a skirt himself out in public. 

His son was too scared to venture out in public wearing "girls" clothes because he didn't want to be laughed, so this dad in all his awesomesauce-ness found a creative way to make his son feel comfortable in his skin. "“I didn’t want to talk my son into not wearing dresses and skirts. He didn’t make friends in doing that in Berlin already, and after a lot of contemplation, I had only one option left: To broaden my shoulders for my little buddy and dress in a skirt myself." Was the quote he gave papers for his decision. 

You can read the entire article here: 

I can say with a 150% certainty that my child will wear whatever the hell they want to, no matter what society deems appropriate for their gender. If I have a son and they want to play with barbies and wear dresses, that's what they're going to do - and I will not assume he is gay unless he comes out. If I have a daughter and she wants to wear cargo pants and monster truck shirts and play with cars then she's going to do that, and I will not assume she's a lesbian unless she comes out. 

Gender stereotyping and sexuality stereotyping is a completely medieval way of thinking in this day and age and although Halloween is truly just one night the implications of choices can last a lifetime.  

The rotten, no good, stinking awful bad day.

I am not someone who uses their blog just to complain about their life or the bad things that happen to them, unless you already think I do that…and in that case prepare to not be disappointed!

I was trying to find an eloquent way of phrasing this, someway that would make me look witty and funny and light-hearted, but honestly it’s just one of those days where I just can’t. Today just blows. That’s it – simple as that, today sucks [insert animal of choice’s scrotum here].

It started at the very moment 11:59pm, October 21^st became 12:00am, October 22^nd. My fantastic neighbour decided to blast salsa music loud enough to shake my walls while I tried to para barail la bamba my way to sleep. This resulted in two phone calls to the police complaining about the noise, each punctuated by the guinea pigs wheeking up a storm in some convoluted reasoning that I was up, therefore it was breakfast. It was not breakfast. It was 12:30am.

It felt as though I had just fallen asleep when the cat thought he’d seen a haphazard plan for me to leave him, because he glued himself to my chest in a way that would have made liquid cement jealous. After trying to pry him away which just succeeded in reinforcing his thoughts on being abandoned, I gave up with him clinging to me for dear life and fell asleep with the cat strapped to my chest. If he wasn’t so damn cute he’d have gone out the window.

At 6-deargodthat’searly-something my alarm screeched to life, waking me up in a way that made me feel like I’d downed a couple bottles of wine the night before. I hadn’t, I’m pretty sure I looked it though, because for the first time since I got him the cat just waited politely on the bed for his food. I got out the door and blasted music just as the streetcar blew past me, four minutes early and kept going even though I ran for it realizing halfway there I left my coffee in my apartment, where it’s sitting right now most likely feeding the perpetual fruit flies.

At this point, I’m so incredibly frustrated with my program and just the future I can just feel my blood pressure skyrocketing. I know a lot of people can empathize with feeling, but I’m trying to find a job in Toronto. I’ve applied to over 30 jobs and followed up with many of them to see where I can “improve” and this has ended in me having them tell me I’m over-qualified for a position. I’m over-qualified. I want to be a bloody cashier! “Why don’t you apply for public relations jobs – you have a lot of experience!” That would be great if I was actually qualified for any of those jobs. It’s like I’m stuck in some trying-to-find-a-job-hell’s version of limbo and I can’t get out. Do I make myself look less employable to get a job? Is that really what I’m going to have to do?

I’ve just arranged a meeting with my parents because as it stands now, I’m looking to move back home and try to find something to do in terms of work. Is this where I wanted to be at 21? Living at home with my parents? It’s starting to look like adult Kaileigh grabbed a ticket on a greyhound headed out of Toronto and left me here with bills and responsibilities and like 40 copies of my resume.

I would say it’s only going to look up, but I have to take the TTC home tonight and relying to the TTC to cheer you up is like giving a monkey a loaded hand gun and saying don’t shoot. ThisdayisalmostoverThisdayisalmostoverThisdayisalmostover.

Adopt-A-Friend-Friday

So normally for my Adopt-A-Friend Friday's I go through the profiles of different kitties and pick a couple that seem in the most need of a little signal boost. This week is going to be a little bit different because I've actually gotten a chance to meet this week's kitty at an Adopt-A-Thon I volunteered for. 

So without further ado, please meet Simon. 

Those eyes! When I first met Simon he was a little bit shy, mostly because of the busy Adopt-A-Thon environment but it didn't take him long to figure out humans= love! If he doesn't make you swoon over those big green eyes, his absolute love for cuddles will. In the 15 minutes I sat beside him he did all kinds of kitty yoga poses trying to prompt me for more scratches and with a face like that how can you say no? 

Simon's a one and a half year old cuddle monster who definitely needs a home with extra love to give out. Words cannot describe the amount that I just wanted to bundle him up in my coat and take him away with me to my house! 

Some things to know about Simon? He's looking for an experienced cat family and although he's great with other cats, a calmer kitty friend would make Simon the most happy. Simon would do best in a home with older children as although he's a gentle giant he likes to tell you what he wants when he wants it! 

Does your home sound like the home for Simon? If it does please contact Toronto Cat Rescue to arrange a meeting with Simon! 

The next two on the docket for today are a pair of brothers that I also got to meet through the Adopt-A-Thon I volunteered at and let me tell you they are amazing. When they weren't striking super adorable poses trying to entice adopters they were asking for some love! 

These two brothers are Billy and Dean.

Billy

Dean

We kept referring to these guys as the bookends because they looked so alike and they were never far from each other! 

These young boys are playful, rambunctious and seriously in love with people. They won't hesitate to climb in your lap and spend a good amount of time getting comfy before falling asleep. The best part about these guys? They're not cheap with the purrs! A good head scratch earns you as much purring as you can handle. These two deserve an amazing loving home with a ton of love and fun to make these guys happy. 

Although these guys aren't a bonded pair I would love to see them go out together because there is no doubt they adore each other. They spent the entire day cuddled up with each other when they weren't meowing or sticking their paws through the cage for cuddles! 

Do you have enough room and love for these two amazing boys? If you do please contact Toronto Cat Rescue for information on how to bring these guys home! 

All of these boys are currently located at the Pet Valu on the Kingsway. 

And all you're ever going to be is mean.

The Amanda Todd story has been making headlines everywhere so it's really no surprise that this has been a story that made me think. A friend of mine and I went out to dinner and just talked about Amanda's story and just bullying in general; this got me thinking further and I suppose this post is just a summation of my thoughts on the whole thing. 

First off, talking about Amanda's story - if you don't know what this is about please read this before you continue on. This is most definitely not the first person I've read about that's committed suicide due to bullying and unfortunately I know this will not be the last. I think what's the most disturbing, other than the fact that 15-year old girl committed suicide,
is that afterwards people are disputing whether or not she deserves the sympathy and people are still bullying her online – after her death.

I think the biggest thing that everyone forgets is that this girl was 15 – she was still a baby. She didn’t even fall under the legal sexual age of consent in Canada (which is 16). She was dealing with things that even I, at 21 years old, would find tough – and she was doing them at 15. It got me thinking, why do we look past the age based on the type of bullying that’s going on? This girl was sexually abused and sexually exploited, not physically, but sexual abuse doesn’t have to be physical. She was abused but our culture says that she put herself in that situation at 15 and thus deserves the title of skank, slut and whore. We don’t throw any blame at the person who posted those photos, but yet again blame the victim. Shouldn’t we be there, supporting someone who was sexually exploited at such a young age? Canadian law does not allow for the fabrication or possession of child pornography and that’s exactly what this is. Why hasn’t this person been charged? “She’s a slut – she deserves it” is a disgusting mentality, the fact she’s had so many people tell her to go die or go kill herself is heartbreaking.

Now, I grew up in a small-ish Northern Ontario town and knew most of my graduating class from elementary school, but honestly there was no bullying to this magnitude. Without sounding like “kids these days,” is bullying actually morphing into something way beyond the coping skills of pre-teens? I honestly think so, I mean you had boyfriends and girlfriends at 15, but you held hands and then went home and maybe, maybe *gasp* made out. There were no naked photos posted on the internet or Facebook to verbally attack people for being sluts.  Has social media actually created a super easy platform to just bully the crap out of people? Yes. A thousand times yes. Kids are cruel, but now they’re cruel with wifi access and photoshop.
I found this on Tumblr last night.

 

Now, I’m not sure if it’s true, it very well might not be – but for argument’s sake, let’s say it is. This picture disgusts me. Not the comparison, or downplaying of another person’s suicide but the fact that it’s so easy to just ignore the backstory of a person as long as they fit our requirement for funny internet content. I’ve seen this photo attached to memes everywhere and then saw this comparative photo and couldn’t help but feeling terrible for not wondering who this boy is. How terrible is it that he could have been bullied to the point of suicide for his looks and doesn’t even get the decency of not being bullied for them after his death? Are we that ignorant as a culture we don’t even think of the person behind a photograph anymore as long as that photo is part of something funny? I realize that this isn’t everyone, but take for example Matthew Lewis, the actor who played Neville Longbottom in Harry Potter. Up until he hit puberty everyone thought he was ugly, and it wasn’t until he wasn’t “ugly” any more people began to get incredibly mean about saying that. I know, I was one of those people and it honestly didn’t even hit me until yesterday that, although I didn’t take to the internet with it, I was completely okay chalking up this guys’ worth by the way he came out of puberty. It’s disgusting. I was disgusted with myself for it.

Honestly, I just don’t have the right words for the calibre of bullying that is present currently. 12 year-olds with Iphones and calling other kids “dumb cunts”, and that’s okay – even within my generation, the bullying just continues to ramp up like it’s following some ridiculous curve from the younger ones.

We can justify making fun of one “ugly” guy meme and think it’s hilarious but we feel absolutely terrible when a young girl or boy commits suicide. It’s such backward thinking on an issue that’s so important. What if every single person you told do go die actually did? How many deaths would you have caused because you didn’t like the person, thought they were a slut or just too weird to exist? Honestly, hold yourself accountable for your own words because nobody else might. We can be our own biggest critic but we can be our own biggest motivator to rip someone apart.

Start thinking about the way you treat people, the homeless guy on the corner, the girl you think is absolutely ugly. Make it a habit to keep your own ignorance (and we all have them) and biases to yourself. Stand up against bullying and not just on the internet. Those people that need help exist beyond the keyboard and so should your help.

 

The school rant

I'm frustrated. I'm so incredibly frustrated. I feel like I need to start this blog post like that before you continue reading and think I'm some ranting and raving lunatic. 

I'm beyond frustrated with my University, so frustrated it's becoming an internal dilemma every single time I have to commute there to go to school. Is it worth it? Should I actually waste my time showing up? You're probably wondering what prompted this barrage of frustration and believe me, I will let you know. 

Today, our program head came into our transition to work class to explain the internship for the winter semester. In it he explained that the internship will comprise of 240 hours, assignments and you will be helped to look for an internship by a faculty mentor assigned to you. 

The reason I'm pissed?

I took my internship in the summer. I paid the exact same amount in tuition as the winter semester will, I was completely on my own (save for the few emails exchanged back and forth between the prof and myself) and I had to complete 280 hours. I payed the exact same amount of money as everyone else and did not get any guidance as my placement coordinator left halfway through the summer on maternity leave and my prof was gone the last two weeks of the internship on vacation. There was no ability to meet with people in person, it was all done through email and online.

When he said this, I asked my program head if we would be given some sort of mentoring program if we had already completed our internships and his response was - "No. That's for the students who are doing their internships currently or trying to find them." That means - if you didn't sign up for the summer internship course someone is going to be there to help you find an internship. That's bulls**t. If you're going to offer the same class two separate times you cannot stipulate that only one semester gets help! I worked my ass off to find my internship, as did everyone else who found one and just because it was only really feasible for us to complete our internships over the summer does not mean we need to be ripped off. Tuition is a lot of money and I work really hard to afford to go to school, the fact that I can pay the same amount as everyone else and have it justified by "paying for convenience of taking the course over the summer," is BS. 

It's just so frustrating to be told that because you completed the same course as everyone else will that you get to be counted out of an opportunity for someone with industry knowledge to mentor you. It's also completely idiotic that if you wanted to ever do your internship abroad or even locally over the summer you are left solely to your own devices. On top of that, requiring that you complete 40 additional hours of work compared to everyone else is completely stupid! 

I could honestly just scream at this point. I know, normally my posts have some factual argument that comes from the news or what have you, but this week that seems to just not be happening.