I’ve been staring outside my office window for the majority
of today. I don’t know why, but the apparent barrage of snowflakes has induced
this absolute sense of melancholy that I just can’t seem to shake. Between working
on a website for and running to meetings I’ve felt my mind just wandering
and wandering instead of being alert and focused.
I keep staring at the cars going by and wondering where they’re
going. I mean, it’s probably to work or home from work, but are any of them
about to embark on some crazy adventure? Maybe an impromptu trip that is
completely foolhardy and spur of the moment, normally a milestone of being “young
and free”. That got me thinking, why haven’t I just gone on a trip without so
much as a moment’s notice? Why haven’t I just damned it all, gotten in a
vehicle and driven off into the sunset to excitement and opportunity? Well, the
most reasonable part of me goes, ‘you did just get your car at Christmas – it’s
hard to drive off anywhere – let alone into a sunset - without a car.’ Then my
internal dialogue of crippling you’re-an-idiot-tude begins: how would you get
anywhere? Would you need to take time off? You have a bill that’s due by the
end of the week. What about money? Is that very smart? Who is going to feed
your cat? What about your guinea
pigs? You do realize you have the sense of direction of a deaf/blind bird, right? Whendoyourclassesstartagain?Wait,didyouactuallypaythatbill?
Aren’t I supposed to be young? Aren’t I supposed to want to
just throw up my hands and go? I blame the movies – they’ve instilled this need for
road-trip induced adventure as a necessary milestone of “doing it right” in
your young days. I end up thinking; did I just skip the fun part of being
young? I mean, I’m not saying that I’m old and boring, but going to buy kitty
litter seems to have become the most exciting part of my week. Why is there
such a divide between young and adult? It’s almost like you can only exist as
one or the other and I always end up feeling like I’ve missed out on something
big and important because I was focused on bills, job opportunities and setting
myself up to be successful in the future.
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| Vroom? © Kaileigh Russell 2012 |
I do want to travel, eventually – but the exact same amount
of me wants to put down roots and just belong
somewhere. In theory I would love to just pack up and move to Ireland and work
and be kitschy and eclectic and meet some hunky Irish thing and make cute
little accented babies – I would also love to just have something permanent. I’ve
had people tell me it’s just about figuring out my priorities – and I agree,
partially. I know what I want, but I want a lot of things and almost none of
them are complimentary. That’s not to say that I’m just giving up and coasting
on life, I just don’t quite know what I want the most yet as a lot of things
are fighting for number one. Do I want to date? Do I want to be completely debt
free? Do I want to own a horse? Do I want to travel? When do I want to buy a
house? Where will I work for the rest of my life?
I know it sounds like I’m complaining and most of these
thoughts sound like deep-rooted future regrets and I really don’t think that’s
the case. I mean, we all want a lot of things, right? We want to not pay bills,
or have student debt or be able to not work a day in our lives. Some of us want
to travel all the time and just leave and it isn’t until you’ve left that you
realize you want nothing more to be back. I suppose for right now, just looking
out the window and wishing good luck to some crazy kids who may or may not be
headed on the adventure of their life is enough.
If not, I can always spend my future fashioning awesome
business cards inspired by Wile. E. Coyote.
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| © http://historywillabsolvemike.blogspot.ca/2011/01/wile-e-coyote-genius.html |
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