"You Look Disgusting"

I don't wear makeup. 

I mean, I own makeup and on special occasions I may throw on a little bit but for the most part I don't wear makeup. It's not a political statement, it's not a giant fuck you to people who wear makeup to feel good about themselves; I just don't like wearing it. 

I know that I've, not come under attack, but had comments shot my way that, while seemingly well-meaning, aren't. 

"You know concealer would cover that right up?" 
"You're never too young to start thinking about wrinkles.."
"You can cover up the fact you look really tired really easy."

I used to slap on makeup to cover up zits and cover up when I got way too little sleep but eventually (and mostly out of the want to get some more sleep in the morning) I just couldn't be bothered. I honestly abide by the thinking that I wasn't put in this world to impress people with my looks and in the grand scheme of things I have more important things to think about than what's going on (or not going on) my face. 

I think that people are really quick, especially with women, to jump down their throats for everything. There's a beauty blogger, Em Ford, who went without makeup for three months and it that three months was at the complete mercy of how crappy people can be when they see things they don't like. When she did start wearing makeup again she was privy to the shit storm that was the opposite end of the spectrum. 

Basically, it came down to she was disgusting to look at without makeup on and had 0 self-respect when she did wear makeup. 

Makeup is this giant polarized issue that seems to always dictate what political agenda you have and is basically up there with choosing not to shave. On one hand, if you're someone who likes wearing makeup you're obviously fake, an anti-feminist and hate women. On the other side, if you don't wear makeup you've given up, you've let yourself go or you're a radical feminist. What if I just am too lazy to get up 30 minutes earlier to put on my face? What if, and this is a big one people, I just don't want to wear makeup?

What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously, in the grand scheme of things who gives a flying fuck whether or not someone wears makeup to feel good in their skin? In what way does the someone wearing/not wearing makeup affect you, your life or your existence? It doesn't! The simplest solution if someone else's appearance bothers you is to look away and continue to live your life, which a lot of people seem absolutely incapable of doing. The way that someone else looks literally has the smallest impact on your life because you are entirely in control of just not looking at them. You are responsible for your own happiness and if the way someone looks is impacting your happiness it's sure as hell not their fault! 

Basically, what I'm trying to get at is stop making physical imperfection the pinnacle of someone's existence. They weren't put in the world to be pleasing to your eyes. Don't point out their flaws first, if I have giant dark circles under my eyes please don't point out the fact that I look tired. I know I look tired, it's because I am tired. We know we our faces are breaking out, we know we look tired, we know we have wrinkles. Our acceptance, my acceptance of my physical flaws in no way impacts your life, happiness or perception of beauty. 

Durham's Epic Bucket List Adventure

For all of you who haven't seen my emotional photo/post vomit on my Instagram and Facebook, I recently had to make the tough decision to put my 13.5 year old Golden named Durham down on June 2nd. The decision came after a diagnosis of cancer a year ago and thanks to my absolutely amazing vet we were able to get him through an entire year. 

Durham was an amazing dog - for anyone who hasn't met or known him, he's been my best friend for 11.5 years. He's a rescued Golden Retriever who was on his fourth home by the time he came to us. He was a runner, completely food obsessed and just a crazy dog. Over the years he mellowed out (and honed his food stealing skills). He was well-known for his sweetheart attitude and stomach of steel. On top of making friends wherever he went he was also a Therapy Dog with the St-John's Ambulance Therapy Dog program.

When I came home from my work rotation it was obvious that he wasn't doing great. A tumor had started to come out in his eye which was very painful and it was only growing. I booked the date at the end of my time off and set out making up a bucket list of things to do before June 2nd. 

On the bucket list we had:

- Go to the cottage
- Eat a whole steak
- Share ice cream with mom (but light on the sharing part)
- Spend a whole afternoon napping
- Car rides with the windows down
- Eat a whole McDonald's burger
- FaceTime with my friend Laessy (and the weird small one)
- Go sit by the lake
- Eggs for breakfast
- Sit in the backyard in the sun

I'm really happy to say we got to do all of the list and more! Here are some pictures from our Bucket List Adventure:

We spent a lot of our two weeks taking some pretty serious naps. They were awesome.

We also hung out with the cats - even the screamy weird one.

Had to go out for ice cream - before mom could get a spoonful I made sure to thoroughly drool on all of the ice cream. Surprisingly she didn't want to share after that.

It was gorgeous throughout the week so we spent a lot of time outside in the backyard. 

Mom went out and bought a lot of good food for the whole two weeks - including Beneful! She kept saying something about how I was eating better than she was most of the time.

I got to go to Tim Horton's every single morning for Timbits. This is mom's pre-coffee expression - this is my pre-Timbit expression. 

We went to the cottage for a little bit. I walked around in the lake while the two fast ones ran around like idiots. Mom got some great pictures and I was pretty damn happy about it - even with the bugs.

I also got to Skype/FaceTime with my really good friend Laessy from New Brunswick. We woke her up and she didn't look impressed at all but I had fun! 

The best part by far was the night I got an entire steak for dinner. It had ketchup and was garnished all pretty - and I licked that all off and tried to swallow the steak whole...

Mom said I would choke myself to death if I swallowed this whole...I don't agree...

My last night mom brought her bed into the living room and we had a giant sleepover - I ended up stealing most of the mattress, don't let my taking up only a small corner fool you.

On my last day we had a really really special day. It started with an entire breakfast of eggs and beggin (beggin strips) with a whole hamburger bun on top. I grabbed the hamburger buns and ran and then came back from the eggs. 

I spent the rest of the day napping and hanging out with mom outside in the backyard. 

Before we went to the vets office mom brought me to McDonald's and ordered four cheeseburgers. We went out and sat around Gillies Lake and ate our cheeseburgers and sat in the sun for a bit. 

 Durham passed away peacefully on June 2nd, 2015 beside myself, my best friend and our amazing vet Dr. Millson. In addition to being my best friend Durham was also an amazing Therapy Dog and expert counter surfer/cake pan opener. There aren't the words to describe how much he'll be missed. 

Trying to find meaningful work and settling into a new job

As a few of you may know I started a new job this week, and, in an epic whirlwind I was whisked off by Air Creebec to the De Beers Victor Mine - 90 km west of Attawapiskat. 

I work 90 km west of the orange dot

I'll be honest, I was absolutely terrified at the thought of trecking all the way up here. I'm someone who likes to be driving distance from my home so this remote fly-in and fly-out type of work is really new. It also scared the bejeezus out of me to have no comfortable place to retreat to once I started to feel overwhelmed or burnt out. This place is crazy, in a great way, and the only thing that I could compare it to would be a bee hive. This place feels like the city that never sleeps - it's got this constant buzz of positive energy that just never stops. There's always people working and milling around - shifts are split into days and nights which effectively means that the work never stops. 

I started working as a Tutor/Trainer at the mine site. In a quick description I am a resource available here if people need extra help with reading, writing, math, computers and basic communication skills. It's only been a couple of days but already have popped in who are looking for tutoring which has been awesome. It's still a new job but this definitely feels like meaningful work. 

I think that was the biggest stresser when my previous work contract was coming to an end, not the fact that I needed to find another job, but that I needed to find something meaningful to do. As I was applying for jobs, some of them just jobs-for-the-sake-of-making-money jobs, I really started questioning how important doing something meaningful was to me. 

I don't want to just work, which I think was a major reason why I was starting to hate my last job. Yes I was working, I was accomplishing things but I didn't feel like I was doing anything. I didn't feel like what I was contributing was making any kind of impact and I want to make an impact. I didn't realize that impacting people was such a major factor in a job feeling meaningful to me until that part of me wasn't being fulfilled. 

I'll be honest, I was totally trying to lie to myself for the last four months or so of my last job, trying to fool myself into thinking that my job wasn't that bad. One of those - if I think positively about it enough maybe it will be enough. It wasn't. At all. 

When I went to post-secondary I always thought that my path should be graduate, find a perfect (or almost) full-time steady job and then buy a house, get hitched, have kids and all that white picket-fence themed trajectory. Needless to say that hasn't happened - I'm turning 24, I've graduated University (with the loan to prove it) and have been exploring my career options with contract jobs doing various things. I'm quickly realizing that maybe a really important step that I need to take is to start letting go of that cookie-cutter dream because it may not be for me. Not (and please don't read into it this way) that it's a bad dream, but my choices and decisions are pushing me in entirely other direction. 

I think though, for right now anyway, that although it's totally outside my comfort zone and not necessarily what I went to school for - this job is going to be extremely rewarding. 

I am fat and happy

I've had this post in unpublished status for awhile, mostly because I wasn't quite sure how to end it off or where I was going with it. That was until the total babe Tess Munster AKA Holliday took the world by storm being the first size-22 model to make it big. 

When I first read about her success as a model I was super excited. There is someone who doesn't fit the typical thin, pretty, flat-stomached model mold. While I'm all about the plus sized models and diversity in body types, plus size models seem to have a very similar body shape - very hourglass, flat stomach. For lack of a better term or explanation the modeling industry has now gone ahead and created an "acceptable" amount of fat that is still considered attractive. 

Enter Holliday - not flat stomached, rocking the non-conventional hourglass who is blowing up the modelling world. 

And the world is pissed.

Why? Because this woman is happy with her body. She thinks that her size 22 body is glorious - and it is! She is the embodiment of what makes people uncomfortable and unhappy. She's a size 22, successful and happy woman breaking the conventional mold of happy women. 

I was reading through some of the comments and filtering out the blind hate one notion or theme kept coming up. People are ticked off and think that this woman is glorifying obesity and being unhealthy. I feel like many people (although this seems to be starting to shift slowly) still live by this Biggest Loser/before picture mentality. If you're not skinny or "appropriately" curvy you are a before picture. You should automatically feel the need to change the way that you look because you can't be happy with the way you are.

I've had this idea reinforced in many places of my life. The most memorable was actually when I was going through the sign up process to go to a gym in Toronto. The trainer there kept busting out the "you'll look better, you'll find love because you'll look better, you'll love going to the beach and wearing bikinis" sales pitch.

I felt the need to shut him down right there - Excuse me, but I am confident. I am already deserving of love looking the way I do and I already love going to the beach - in a bikini - because I love my body. I got the polite almost "yes yes dear" brush off which frustrated me. I just couldn't understand why this person couldn't understand that I was at a gym to increase my fitness level - not decrease my waistline. My want to just get fitter physically had me whitewashed as a before picture because I didn't fit this person's mold of a confident person. 

I think it makes people who buy into this confident, perfect body type pissed when someone doesn't put in the work (dieting, working out, limiting to maintain the perfect body) and gets the result (loving their body, accepting their body). It makes people really fucking pissed when that happens and in turn they lash out with negative comments about glorifying being unhealthy.

The thing is - happiness, self-respect and self-love don't glorify anything. My shameless self-love doesn't glorify anything but body positivity. It doesn't glorify health issues, it doesn't glorify being unhealthy. You don't have to hate your body to want to improve it you can still absolutely love yourself while changing your body. Because my body doesn't fit the traditional perfect body image it's automatically assumed that I hate it, and that makes people feel better. They work hard for their socially-accepted looks, of course it makes them feel better when we hate the way we look.

It makes people angry, it makes people upset, it confuses people, but the thing is - my body is not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. 

My body and I are not responsible for your personal happiness.

Sometimes you just have to say thanks

This may be a bit of short and boring blog post but it's something that popped into my head on my drive into work this morning.

I was just absent-mindedly thinking about different things that I've been through in the past few years and I realized that I have a ton of friends.

Not in this conceited, "I'm so popular" kind of way, but throughout different points in my life I've met a lot of people and am really grateful to call most of them friends. Some of these people I never see or very seldom talk to but are people that I can still reach out at the drop of a hat and quickly catch up on life. 

It's also crazy to see how different our lives have gotten from when I first met people to now. Some friends are in these crazy awesome careers and kicking ass in them, some have moved across the country (or even world) and are experiencing all these new things, some are back in school, some are getting hitched or are hitched and some have kids. I don't think that any of us could have imagined that our lives would be where they are now (or maybe some of us did) from where it was when we met.

I honestly don't know where I'm going with this post - normally I have these better mapped out in my mind before I just start beating away at the keys. 

I think what I'm trying to say is thanks to all of you for sticking around. Thanks for the quick catch ups, the random pick me up text messages, the tagged Facebook posts and liked Instagram pictures. You don't realize how big of an impact it has on you until you really start thinking of all the people that you're able to call and talk to at any given time. So, guys, I guess it comes down to me saying thanks for being my friends. You guys rock, seriously.

Introverts can work in communications

This comes up so frequently in my life - people questioning my choice to work in communications because I happen to be an introvert. I can't tell you how many times I've been laughed at and teased for not wanting to do something outgoing and extroverted "because that's what I went to school for". I've compiled a list of the gems I come across the most often.

"What do you mean you don't like public speaking - you're in communications.."

Yes. I went to school for communications - I did not go to school for public speaking and theater. The very thought of having to not only speak in front of a large audience but be theatrical as well makes the introvert in me want to curl up under the table and cry.

Don't get me wrong, I love to communicate. If I'm comfortable with you, if I'm talking about something I'm passionate about you'd be hard pressed to get me to shut up. Public speaking and acting is a small part of communications. The reason I fell in love with PR/Comms is because I love creating. I love taking my ideas, other peoples, clients ideas and turning them into something tangible. I live for the feeling of being able to reach out into nothing and spin and create something.

"How can you be in communications if you hate people?"

I don't hate people.

I rather like people, not all people but most people, I just don't recharge being with people. The reason that I'm spending my Sunday night curled up on the couch with tea blogging alone? This is how I recharge. 

Being around people tends to wear me out, especially when those people are in large groups. This doesn't mean I hate being around people, this doesn't mean that I need to work in a job where I'm never around people, this just means I make sure that I take the time I need to recharge. 

"You have to be outgoing - you're in communications"

I am outgoing - in my own way to a point where I am comfortable. This is not a career specific trait.

It's not that I shy away from any and every single event that requires I be a bit outgoing. There are times where I will dive headfirst into things without a second thought, and there are times where I will stand wide-eyed in the corner waiting for death. This doesn't mean I'm bad at my job and this doesn't mean I hate what I'm doing. This just means that I'm not comfortable in every single situation.

"How good are you at communications if you're not outgoing?"

I am damn good.

While I may not be the first person out of the gate to present something, I am good at what I do. I love watching the things that I work hard on, the things that I pour my soul into come to fruition at the hands of extroverted people. I love watching someone entirely different from myself take something I've worked hard on add their spin on it. 

I feel like this mindset of you have to be extroverted to be in communications exists to cheapen the work of introverted communications people. I think that people easily forget this spectrum of introverted/extroverted and thinker/doer. You can be both or one or the other or everything all at the same time. Being an introvert isn't a bad thing or something that you should work get over. It's not a flaw - it's how you are and who you are. Embrace it!

"You need to step outside your comfort zone!"

I do. 

I'm constantly stepping outside my comfort zone on an almost-daily basis. Just because I'm not the star of every presentation or conversation doesn't mean that I'm hiding in my comfort bubble. 

Just because I don't grab every opportunity in an extroverted way doesn't mean that I'm refusing to put myself out there. I think that people forget that there isn't an acceptable level of putting yourself out there. There isn't a clearly defined comfort zone that's acceptable for everyone. If you want someone to participate then put the option out there and don't force it. It's never fun or a good time when someone continues to push and push and push for you to do something you don't want to. 

Oh god not female contraception!

I'm just going to come out and say it guys. This entire blog post is going to be about the pill. 

That terrifyingly tiny pill that has the power to regulate and control lady bits and by the reaction of many people one of the most terrifying things ever created since tampons. 

Melodrama aside, I was reading and article by the Huffington Post today basically stating that Ontario doctors should not be forced to prescribe the pill if they don't want. Now I'm not talking about just medical reasons, this is also because of personal ethics, religion, etc...

Now I have some major issues with this, the first being that Docs in Ontario are government funded through OHIP. While we don't have to pay for our medical visits government tax dollars are used to subsidize the cost of our care. This means that, in part, the tax money you pay also pays for Canadians healthcare. Breaking it down farther, that means that Canadians of all backgrounds and religions help pay for Canadian healthcare. So why then, when these people are publicly funded are they being allowed to instil religious beliefs on their patients. 

The main arguments to this are from people saying, "well if you don't like the care you're receiving be proactive and find a new doctor." That's not the point though, yes people change doctors because they don't like the care they're getting but why should a doctor collect money from the government to then treat his medical office like a church? I realize that this sounds insensitive because doctors are human beings with beliefs and religions that belong to them but there has to be a line in the sandbox in which they can stop providing care based on personal beliefs. To top that off finding a doctor isn't always as easy as just going to another medical office. Depending where you live the process can take upwards of a year before you're seen and in that time all of your medical needs are handled at walk-in clinics (with many limitations) or the hospitals emergency rooms (driving up healthcare costs). 

I truly believe that if a doctor will not prescribe a medication solely of personal ethics or religious reasons then that doctor needs to belong to the private practice sector. If you want your medical dictated by someone relying and following religious or personal ethics then you should be required to pay for that care outside the scope of government funding.

It's the same way that current separate schools (like the public Catholic school system - I'm just using this system because this is what I was in) while still Catholic cannot refuse students of other religions from enrolling. 

If something is in any way government or publicly funded then there should be absolutely no religious influence involved. 

I'm such a heavy proponent of this because for the most part female contraception is still such a taboo topic. Having gone through the Catholic school system it was completely ignored with a "just wait till you're married" statement. 

Thanks for the words of wisdom there,Coach

What's almost always completely ignored is that the big scary pill is NOT solely used as a form of contraception. It's never mentioned in high school sex-ed that this also exists for medical reasons which results in people hearing "THE PILL" and covering their ears in a LALALAICANTHEARYOU as a response. 

I mean what's worse than having your doctor, who is just as much an advocate for your health as you are, judge the fuck out of you for not wanting children at that moment while still not wanting to bleed Niagara Falls every 2-4 weeks while cramping. I found it terrifying to go and talk to my doctor because it was so pushed on us that you shouldn't be having sex therefore you should not be using birth control for such a long time. Going to that office to get the pill felt like was walking around with a giant "FLOOZY" sign strapped to my chest. In reality it's one of the most common, all around medications out there. Family planning is one of the things it's used for but for the most part it's for hormone regulation, PMS relief, acne for god sakes. 

I'm not knocking religion at all in this, you have the freedom to practice and believe in whatever the fuck you want. The moment that your religious beliefs have me lying on the floor with a hot water bottle requiring prescription strength painkillers or have attempted to lay claim to my lady bits we got a problem.